For Sale...

This story begins about a month ago when someone had a stressful day and flippantly said “I’m sick of yard work, I need a new space.  We’re moving.”  I took this decision as seriously as:

1. A parent using the line “you do that one more time and no more (insert empty threat).”
2. “Tomorrow, that’s it I’m giving up (insert whatever bad habit you’d like.)”
3. When mom says “I love all my kids the same.”  (When pushed Mama Hicks follows up with, “well, yes, Lauren, you are the precious one.”)

Imagine my surprise when we were visited by a Realtor within days.  My false support, turned into days spent reiterating that I was simply the renter as well as showcasing the fine points of this home we built together in an attempt to change her mind. Through this experience I've learned I’m not good with people telling me what to do or games that I don’t win.

The Games:

• Witness Protection Program: When you’re little you may be familiar with playing the board game “Guess Who.”  I would connect what I’m about to tell you to that, however this isn't as fun.  It’s more like they’re playing a small stakes game of “Witness Protection.”  Before we could put the house on the market I was instructed to hide all my pictures that had myself or anyone human really in them.  Later I was told “we want people to imagine themselves in this home so nothing personal.”  I tried to rebel and write my plans for the week on the whiteboard in the kitchen.  I had a happy hour with a time and place.  After a walk through with brokers, and a couple showings this is what remained:

(Look across from Google Docs Class.  That was clearly written before our visitors.)

• Hide N’ Seek: Stephanie, along with our Realtor are playing a perpetual game of hide n’ seek with my stuff.  Bare spaces are apparently more appealing? Therefore, I've found my Kettlebell shoved under my bed, my blanket in the midst of my closet, toothbrush in a germy cupboard and my coffee maker in the pantry and worst of all it’s on Stephanie’s shelf..
  
  
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• Connect 4: To my delight, the cable and power strip controlling the TV/Apple TV/DVD player is required to be unplugged and hidden from view because our setup is “sloppy.”  If I want some cheap entertainment back I've got to use the 2 cords and connect them to 2 holes in the wall.  The problem is I’m presented with 4 wall plug ins which has left me annoyed and choosing to enjoy my own company until Steph comes home and reconnects it for me.  
  
  
  

(Notice the pile to the right.  That’s post plug in removal...ya...looks real classy that way too)

There are a few things that I've decided to silver line:

1. Each time we leave the house we put all of our shower stuff into the car to get it out of the way.  This COULD fall under the “Witness Protection” game I was telling you about, but I’m choosing to see it as an extra little workout.  Most of those bottles are full, and our driveway isn't a cake walk...
   
   
   

2. Each time someone has a showing they leave their business card, and the promise of offers coming in has me feeling kinda popular.  I’m choosing to find the beauty in peacocking based on business cards.  The business world, networking, and business card exchanges are uncharted territory, but something about it feels right.

Although it was a slow process, I believe that I’m starting to embrace this change.  I confirmed it this morning when I realized I've got sign envy.  I keep driving by other houses with for sale signs, and I’m jealous ours isn't up yet.  Wherever Steph and I end up living next, it’ll be the best, but I want her to remember one thing...

I’M STILL JUST THE RENTER... :)

The Magic of the MCAs: State Testing

Each year my kids appear more stressed and anxious when MCAs roll around.  State testing, and the overall vibe has shifted quite a bit since I was a kid. 

How Ms. Hicks Approached MCAs at 10:

• When you finish a standardized test you're supposed to read quietly.  I was a math kid so I hated when I was told to read.  However, I was a good kid and at least was sweet enough to "look the part."  You know Pizza Hut's BOOK IT reading challenge?  I'll be honest.  This girl ate pizza unethically for years.  I had enough self discipline to hold a book for a 1/2 hour a day and every couple minutes turn the page in order to get my personal pan pizza.  Sadly, Mama Hicks was peacocking "The Precious One's" literacy as we sat in that booth.  She'll never believe you if you try to clue her in on what I've just shared.  Anyway, this was the same work ethic I took to the post test silent reading opportunities.  I always chose a book with an athlete on the cover.  Let's be honest,  I judge a book by its cover.  
• If I didn't know the answer I would look at the design the filled in bubbles created on my answer sheet.  I would scan it for a pattern and if I couldn't find some repetition  I decided I would choose the answer that made the funkiest design.  I know what a lot of you are thinking right now: "Wow.  What a rebel.  She neglected to go with the old standby, C."  I'm fairly confident that either AC Slater or Zach Morris tipped us all off on that years ago.  More recently, I'm pretty sure someone at MIT or Harvard backed that theory with a study. However, I'm a leader not a follower, so I went the road less traveled.
• I wasn't aware these scores went back to mom and dad.  These felt more like a favor I was doing for some guy they had nick named "The State of MN."  I thought we were just helping some guy "get a feel for how much 4th graders know."  If I would have known he was going to tell my parents I wouldn't have looked at the clock and filled in the remaining bubbles quickly because I feared being late to recess.  We played basketball with the boys....and it was the only time I could rationalize my proximity.  

Kids of Today:

• Each year the kids become more aware of the importance of the MCAs.  Although I'm happy they understand it is important to do their best in order to get an accurate read on their progress, I'm saddened by how it affects them negatively.  They are using the terms "fear, stress, and anxiety" in association with the standardized tests.  These are words that weren't even in my vocabulary at 10.  To combat this feeling of negativity I tried to present my kids with a metaphor.  I told them to consider this the big game.  Each day is like practice, and when you get a chance to play at the highest level and get your efforts validated it's fun and worth all that hard work.  This pep talk helped a little, but didn't completely eliminate the pressure they feel. 

Questions pre/post testing from the kids who embraced my pep talk:

1. "Ms. Hicks...umm...I know you said just 5 pieces of unwrapped candy or mints, but what if they're little? Or if we had a light lunch?"
2. "Ms. Hicks, do the MCA people force you to walk in circles the whole time? (he didn't even wait for a reply) You poor thing, you should get a nap.  You've probably walked a mile or two."
3. "Ms. Hicks, what if we have candy in pieces.  Like if it came in one bag does it count as one candy?"
4. "We have people volunteering as bathroom monitors? (giggling) Why? What do they think we're going to do in there?"  
5. "Hey, Hey, Ms. Hicks, what's your favorite color.  I know you like green then blue, but what's next?"

Questions from the kids who still had underlying fear, stress, or anxiety about the MCAs and its rules pre/during/post testing:

1. "Is this a #2 pencil? Because I don't see a tiny 2 on it."
2. "Sorry.  Can I go to the bathroom? I'm sorry."  Apologizing for potty? Sad and unnecessary.  Apologizing because your break matches your pencil...wellllllll...Ok. Ok. Even then, they shouldn't apologize.   
3. "Ms. Hicks, am I allowed to blow my nose?  

Today, I was prouder than a soccer mom at the World Cup.  I had the privilege of walking in the shoes of David Beckham's mom.  My kids were amazing and worked so hard and took it so seriously.  While carrying out my test monitoring duties and circulating the room for around 4 hours today I had the opportunity to peacock to myself about my babies and their work ethics.  It also allowed me an opportunity to stumble upon a shocking realization.  Turns out I become less of a scone and more like toast about an hour with my own company.  I bore myself.  There are a lot of awkward silences in my head after I run through my short list of conversation pieces.  I fear tomorrow within the first hour I'll default to "how 'bout this weather." 

Touche, April 1st, Touche

Every night there are 5 different routines I have that help countdown the days until I get to see Matt. Some of you are thinking I may need to pick up a hobby or seek some help, however if you reread my first sentence you'll quickly realize I don't have any time for that :) The largest of these is the paper chain.

I’m still amazed by the fact I got “hole in the wall clearance.” The fact she let me put push pins into the wall was probably because I’m a bit of a crier when he first leaves. Let’s be honest it’s not a pretty sight when this happens.  My sister hits her threshold quicker than a groom on his wedding night when it comes to comforting irrational crying.  There’s aggressive eye squinting and my mascara likes to cheat on the lashes and party with the rest of my face.  Frankly, the holes in the wall were the only bearable option if she wanted a peaceful next couple of months.

Fast forward a few weeks, and Steph heads to Mexico on spring break. She thought my J.Lo suitcase from Santa would be the finest touch, and so she asked to borrow it.  I like to keep my suitcases behind my bed.  You know in case someone needs a birthing coach and goes into labor or if my parents decide to spring a trip to Disney on me...I’ll be ready.  Anyway, she was responsible for putting it back in it’s spot after she had returned from her trip.  It was one of the few activities I felt she could execute unsupervised.  That was until tonight.  I went to rip off a link from the paper chain when I sat back in excitement.  If you look at the pictures you’ll see 4 push pins that have no links, and then 4 that have links.  One of which only has half of the chains.  That would imply we were over halfway!  Then my instincts I so beautifully fine tuned during my Sesame Street days kicked in.  The number on the very final link was 11.  If the Cookie Monster and Count didn't lead me astray then something was amiss.  

It would appear my sister thought she’d be funny and screw with my countdown while I was sleeping.  However, I'm confident she didn't intentionally play with my emotions. I sense she was careless and knocked them off their pins and haphazardly put them back up. If she were to carry out an operation of this caliber it would take extreme stealth and as a wise woman once said “ain’t nobody got time for that.”  Steph may not have time for that, but April Fool’s Day sure does.  A day such as this plays on the weaknesses of people like my sister and uses them to figuratively flick people like me right in the nose.  Next time he’s deployed over April 1st you better believe I’m using a staple gun and hanging a super sweet “Keep Out” sign on my door so she can't be April 1st's pawn.  The security I plan on orchestrating to protect my next paper chain puts the efforts of the secret service to shame.

State of the Union

State of the Union

Questions:
1.) What does one have to do to be the line leader for the processions into the room?  I bet the chosen ones refuse to blurt, budge, and are willing to clap the occasional set of chalkboard erasers for the higher ups...

2.) There are a lot of "meet and greets" during the beginning.  What if you have an awkward silence?  It's not like you can say "ooo I like your suit" because they all look the same.  And if you tell a lady you "like her pant suit" or "sweet skirt" you could be slapped with sexual harassment   I think the safe "filler" would be "I like how quickly you stood up" or "your speed of clapping was truly top shelf."

3.) Biden went between wearing his glasses and not.  I wonder how he decided that it was a "clutch" move to pull them out?  I know it made me appreciate how he's aged a little more...

Observations:
1.)  Obama opened with "There is much progress to report."  For those Americans who are skimmers we are tempted to turn it off right now because that appears to be his "two thumbs up" summary.  The rest is just going to be supporting details, right? 

2.) Every man who's been president has lived the life of a bride on her wedding day. 
     a.) The men and women of Congress who processed in before are their flower girls.
     b.) Everyone stands as he walks in and most smile as he glides down the aisle.  Those with     
    opposing viewpoints are like the scorned lovers of the bride.  They'll fake being happy, but 
    really they're hoping someone trips on their grand entrance.  Or at least that his fly is down.
    c.) He follows tradition.  You know the saying "something old, something new, something  
    borrowed, something blue?"  I think he knew what he was doing when he chose that tie.

3.) In Dante's Inferno they talk about the circles of h-e-double hockey sticks...you an spell that out...if not, it's where the devil lives.  (I still refuse to swear...I'll never crack.  My uncle Teddy tries to break me every family event.  Each time he inquires about the hometown of the devil I quickly yell for my mommy. 26 years she comes running 90% of the time :)  ) Back to my point.  Being in the audience would be my personal 9th ring of h-e-double hockey sticks. I loathe conflict, awkward silences, and being forced to clap for extended periods of time without choice.  As a member of the crowd you are forced to either sit silently if your "side" disagrees.  If you're real hardcore you may even fold your arms.  These are the "alpha audience members."  They aren't above bullying either.  I saw two guys sitting next to each other.  One double clapped and was shot a dirty stink face from his comrade on the left.  He was left trying to rationalize to this guy why he chose to half-a** a clap.  He'll never make that mistake again.  If you do agree, it's "State of the Union appropriate" to aggressively clap.  My stamina isn't built for something of this magnitude.  A 4th grade recorder concert sure, but the level of clapping needed to satisfy a State of the Union address is beyond my capabilities.  

4.) He said the troops were coming home, which couldn't be more perfectly timed.  Matt deploys Tuesday.  Talk about a close call. 

5.) There are some bold eyebrows and mustaches in the crowd...from both genders...

6.) People are sitting in the aisles on the floor.  Although I'm concerned about what landed them that seat, I'm more impressed by their "criss cross applesauce" stance.  They're really doing this country proud.  

Happy Birthday, Steph...Keep Your Birthday Suit to Yourself!

Tomorrow marks the day that Mama Hicks went into labor for the 3rd time.  I think we can all be thankful for Stephanie and her minimally painful entrance into this world because Mary and Jerry Hicks decided to finish with 4.  It was my "ta-da" from Mama Hicks' womb that threw her into early retirement.  Poor woman claims she wanted 5.  Some may think my mom's claim that I basically "broke her back" during labor is a dramatic claim, but you can imagine how I took being born as a competition.  I wanted to make my presence known which provoked me to kick the entire way out. Why? Because I'm an athlete, and I'll accept any challenges whether it be a birth canal or a Chinese Sharpee...

Now that you're sitting on that visual, and confused as to why I'm over-sharing  I'm going to shift back to Stephanie and her becoming a year older...

Each year we strive to become more respectful, responsible, mature, and socially aware as humans.  Stephanie at the ripe age of 32 has almost mastered each of these, however I have a few gentle reminders/suggestions/hopes I have for her this year:

1.) Compliments: Instead of responding "of course I do, I knew it, I know I'm fantastic" to a compliment I hope she starts pretending to be surprised by her greatness.  Perhaps a simple "thank you, that's very kind."

2.) There is a short chaise lounge and a normal 3 cushion couch in our living group.  We spend 99% of our time here and tend to "stick to our couch."  Seasonally it seems, Stephanie will decide she'd like a different angle on our living room and switch our computers to the other couch.  Since living with her, I've come to understand how my kids feel when they walk in to a new seating arrangement   Like them, I'm left wondering if all my stuff "made the move," and why she decided to move me.  Was my phone receiving too many texts in that spot? Was I distracted by Facebook when she'd speak to me? At least I give my 4th graders a name tag to find their spot, whereas I'm slapped in the face with playing an impromptu game of "Where's Waldo" when I get home from work.  Waldo being my laptop and phone charger.

3.) Make that extra effort:
-Throw away pop cans or wrappers instead of strategically placing them in my path so I'll throw them for you.
-Bend down an extra 90 degrees and put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of playing a game of Jenga stacking them in our sink. 
-You do put your laundry in the washing machine, but could you just go the whole 9 and transfer it into the dryer? I know it's more convenient that I'll put it in the dryer and then bring it to you when it's done, but I think you're old enough now to complete the cycle.
-Instead of saying "hey, when you get up can you grab me _____." Maybe this year you could just get up and grab it yourself?

4.) Go back to your roots:
Here it is clear our oldest sister is teaching us how to drop it like it's hot.  She's the rhythmic one in the family.  Steph and I try, but I tend to be more focused on low I can get, and Steph likes to throw in Salsa arms with her hip hop hips.  We need to find our roots, and get back to these days, Hicks.  They were glorious, and we were highly sought after.

Although these are my hopes, I am also very thankful that my sister is also one of my best friends. You have taught me so many things, and allowed me to become stronger and more assertive in life.  You are beautiful, hilarious, strong, live with purpose, and won't apologize for your opinions.  For the most part, it's the best knowing I get to come home to you, even if you don't have on your Sunday's best and dinner on the table as I walk through our door ;) Sure, it took us 21 years to become official friends but that was your fault.  You were the one who "didn't like that I told on you to mom, wasn't funny, and was annoying."  I'm glad you finally came to your senses and recognized my magic, finding me funnier and less annoying.  Don't be fooled though.  I still tell on you to mom when you tick me off or hurt my feelings.  

If you're....

during your 32nd year...?

Duck Dynasty...I'd Quack At That

A few of us at lunch haven't fully been exposed to the show Duck Dynasty and this was seen as unacceptable to some.  Two of my coworkers (Andy and David) walked into the teacher's lounge with two of the finest beards a teacher's salary can buy.  It was a beautiful mix of Scotch tape, construction paper, and unwarranted arrogance.  To show my appreciation for their efforts I decided I'd sit down and watch an episode tonight.  During this experience, I felt more like I was watching the Travel Channel or Telemundo.  I'm learning about a whole new culture and a good chunk of the time I'm confused as to what they're saying.

The Education Duck Dynasty Has Gifted Me

New Words/Phrases:
-"He's pooped more parties than anyone I know."-Duck Dynasty

*Leaves the audience wondering: is he literally pooping at parties or is he just a fun hater?

-"You're smokin' hot.  Lot hotter than this fire.  Nothin' like a hot woman who's hot."-Duck Dynasty

*Am I hotter in the summer if I'm a female they consider hot?  How about post workout?

-"Ain't no one want to squat next to Poisen Ivy. You'll give those anal regions misery."-Duck Dynasty

*Agreed.

-"Let's go to the archery range and settle this!"-Duck Dynasty

*Contrary to the people of the North, a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" settles nothing.  They've got a "go big or go home" mentality that I've come to appreciate.

Leadership:
-The CEO is a man named Willie.  Usually Willie is associated with spit in the ear or a 5 year old, but in this special place this name belongs to the most powerful man.  His posse has secret code names to show discretion and importance.  For example, he's got a buddy he likes to call Mountain Man.  Probably to keep his identity protected.  Which one is he?  The one who looks like a mountain man which is sneakier than you'd think considering the other people in this show.

The Attire:
-Showing some consistency in their mission, they keep their attire like they keep their associates.  This has got to be the largest concentration of camouflage outside of the Military.  They're sporting pants, shorts, shirts, tuxedos, button ups, hats, and bandannas  Some ask "boxer or briefs?"  I'd dare ask "forest camouflage or winter camouflage?"

The Look:
-Six pack abs are pretty universally appreciated.  However, this group's philosophy is the hairier the merrier.  In all honesty there was an odd fixation that I developed with Jace.  That's all I'm willing to offer.  I don't want to talk about it.

The Ladies:
-Let's be honest.  The wives wouldn't be kicked out of bed for eating cookies.  Frankly, they'd probably be ok having themselves a buffet in there.  Not only are they pretty, but they must have been "Where's Waldo children prodigies."  They're married to and are having children with men that are half the time camouflaged into their surroundings. Talk about a keeping the spark alive.  They're playing a perpetual game of hide n' go seek.

Things I learned over break

Lauren was in Kansas over break visiting Matt, and I had the run of the house for the week, and I learned many things about myself.

1. I do not like being idle which worries me when I am retirement age. 
2. The house stays just as messy when Lauren is gone-which means that a lot of it must truly be my 
    fault.
3. The bathroom stays much cleaner when Lauren is gone-which means that this must be her fault.
4. I find myself laughing much louder when I say things out loud to compensate for the silence.
5. With no deadlines, I waste a lot of time!
6. If Netflix had more than 3 seasons of White Collar, I might have wasted even more time thereby 
    causing me to be unable to go to work tomorrow.
7. I am easily put off by twenty somethings who get too close to my face on New Years to explain to
    me (3 times!) why they were "cut off" and have X marks on their hands. Three times.
8. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I'm actually looking forward to it. . .

Happy 2013

Watch out for the baby. Sneaky and willing to ride on your glory

Last year, I got my hair cut Halle Berry short, and it goes without saying that short hair is the perfect canvas for accessories. I told the younger Hicks of my plan to "make headbands my thing". I am we'll aware of how risky it is to take on a "thing ", but it turns out that's child's play compared to the threat you face when Lauren hears a good idea. Within days, she was emerging from her room with all sorts of headbands - some were replicas of my own.
This should have taught me the lesson, but instead I walked right into it with this blog idea last summer. She used to be polite and refer to it as "our blog", but we have moved past it . Yesterday she said, "Oh I have to write about that on my blog". And,yes , she was wearing a headband

Are You Ever Really Asking For That?

Is there a certain age when sexual harassment is no longer a thing?

I'm on the elliptical and an 80 year old man comes up and motions for me to take my headphones off. He then proceeds to point at a kid half way across the gym and say 'see that guy? He's from Wisconsin!' This was followed by intense giggling. Thinking he's anti Wisconsin I say 'ohhhh no the worst.' Confused, but thinking I said just what he needed I put my headphones back in.

2 minutes later....

He reapproaches, this time from the rear. Taking only one earbud out I lean down to the comment, 'you like Wisconsin too (more giggling) at least according to your billboard!' Now if this guy weren't in his Sunday's best and receiving Social Security benefits I may have reacted differently, but I commended him on being a spitfire so early in the morning. 'Well you were advertising' as he points/taps at my shorts.

I found myself wondering if his interaction was inappropriate or if he was right that I was bringing it on myself? This old man has just thrown me into a Lifetime movie. Ladies, don't follow my example. Politeness perpetuates the problem. I fear next time he'll take the visible part of my sports bra and give me a nasty 'turtle snap.'

Alice in Wonderland Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I taught my 4th graders fairy tales this week.  Right about now, you're probably thinking, "wow, she's basically an expert on this topic then." And how right you'd be. I went down to Mankato to pick up my new RAV 4 Limited and left feeling like Lauren in Heintz Toyota might be a better sell than Alice in Wonderland.  The only thing she may have on me is the fact Wonderland gave her a cake that said "eat me" on it.  Then again, probably a good move on the dealership's part not to give me that.  Not only did they save me the calories, but either the WWF or 90210 have stripped the term of its innocence  Those two words are now considered fighting words.  Regardless, I think the elements of a fairy tale I experienced would make Oprah's book club list, and if turned into a movie would give the Star Wars dynasty a run for their money:  

A Kind/Good Character:

-I think it's obvious who we're talking about here...

-Usually this character has some princess like quality.  She's either beautiful or has the body measurements Sir Mix A Lot made popular back in the 90s.  It wasn't until this car that I could claim, I've got a hot butt.  Not because it looks good in a skirt, but because I now have seat warmers.  My butt is literally hot whenever I decide. There's my "hot girl factor." Boom.

Magic/Enchantments:

-The corner of my rear-view mirror turns into a camera when I back up.  I'm as shocked and impressed as all of you.  I have my own personal Snow White mirror.  

-When I have my keys on me (even if they're in my purse or pocket), and I touch the door it opens.  I'm above magic words like "abracadabra or open sesame."  Not even the Wizard of Oz could stop this.

Guardians (fairy godmothers, mentors, magical helpers, guides, etc.)

-Max (Sales Consultant) and Natalie (Financial Services Manager) played these parts beautifully.  Max didn't have a wand, but he did wave around a key-less FOB.  He did not fly like Tinkerbell, but did offer up a little jig. When I said I had hoped Natalie had something like a tiny dance prepared for the finance portion of the day, he caught my hint.  His jazz hands and toe tapping put Michael Flatley to shame.  When it was Natalie's turn she didn't disappoint.  She didn't need to coach me on how to walk in heels or behave around royalty like the fairy godmother in Cinderella.  What she did need to help me with was remembering how to write $2,500 on my check.  I don't throw down cash that freely or often so I had a little self doubt.  She was very helpful with the organization of numbers.  I was battling some pretty tricky 3rd grade math, and she really pulled through for me.

Evil Characters:

-Usually these characters are very ugly and easy to spot.  In my story these two are just the opposite.  Wrapped in a pretty package, my boyfriend and sister pooped on my parade.  As I drove back to Minneapolis, I called Matt to wow him with all the fun features.  Realizing I had recently consumed inappropriate amounts of caffeine and was on buyer's high I told him I'd let him go.  Usually this offer provokes the response "oh, no I love talking with you."  This time he said "oooooook."  Poop on my parade.  So, I call my sister, Stephanie to let her know I'm heading back home.  After a couple minutes I threw her the same bait I had given Matt and told her I can tell she's done with the conversation so I'll let her go.  She bluntly says "well, all you have to talk about is your car and that doesn't interest me."  Poop on my parade.  They're like that poisonous apple in Snow White.  Pretty until you hit below the surface.

Rags to Riches:

-My parent's dog, Murphy, will eat anything and everything.  Last time I was home he ate the insides of my shoes.  I'm cheap, so I rolled with it, and instead of throwing them have chanced Plantar Fasciitis.  Cinderella had a glass slipper, but I'm an athlete and not willing to spend more than $20 on shoes.  So, I splurged slightly at Old Navy and bought my version of glass slippers for $24.95.  I'm a high roller now.

     

There's Gangam Style & There's Church Style

Discipline and what we deem singing appropriate shifts when we enter a church...


The Discipline:
-Church is a naughty kid's playground.  No matter what a kid pulls a parent cannot yell, spank, or threaten. Some parents have created an art form out of disciplining in church.  After a "professional" get's kicked or sassed they usually like to smile as though they've enjoyed the disrespect.  They maintain that smile as they whisper sweet nothings (or threats) into the kid's ear.  Today, I even saw a mom add a kiss on the forehead as she pulled away. Sure it's all fun and games until father says "let's go in peace to love and serve the lord."

Sound Discretion:
-Since American Idol people have more opinions on what constitutes a good voice.  Simon Cowell has invited us to be direct and critical with a person's lack of talent, and Randy Jackson would be the first to tell "a dog" they were "pitchy."  Yet, we push those urges aside as we enter a church and adopt the Paula Abdul approach.  For some reason those who, to be blunt, suck at singing tend to be the loudest.  They're also the most apt to start clapping along to a song opposite of the appropriate beat.  God bless them they're feeling it, and even if no one else is I am loving it, so please continue.

'Tis The Season....

My first student Christmas gift

My students were as excited as me this morning when one of my kids handed me a present.  Every year, without fail, the kids see a peer gifting and get competitive.  This year proved to be no different.  One of the kids yelled out "you'll be receiving my gift on Tuesday, Ms. Hicks."  Another decided to tell me the exact gifts I was getting, the day in which they planned on gifting it, and even threw in a wink almost in an attempt to reassure me I had made her "nice list."   It's the cutest thing, and I so love spending time with them.  When this happens, I always remind them "your presence is my gift.  You make my life more fun!  I do not need a thing."  One little girl yelled back "ha!  you've earned it for putting up with us." As soon as I unveiled this rug from it's box, the room fell silent and some jaws dropped.  This delightful present rests in the entry way of "Hicks' Hub" (A fancy name for the space behind my desk.)  I could have brought this little gem home to share with Stephanie, but instead I kept it at school for a few reasons:

1. Cultural diversity.  It says "happy holidays" therefore it clearly signals to my students I like holidays.  The celebrations and the gas stations.
2. A welcome mat in general really makes a statement.  When pointed outward it allows those visiting your area to realize you're pretty important and that you're accepting guests while wishing them happy times.  Yet, notice the orientation of my mat in the picture.  This was taken at 4pm.  This means that I've heard Ms. Hicks one too many times and I'm currently the only one welcome.  
3. At one point I took a small group to read around the rug.  I made it seem extra special by reassuring them the reindeer and snowmen were interested so they should speak up while reading.  Half weren't listening, and the other half looked annoyed that I'd suggest such a thing.  I don't know about them, but one thing I do know: I read more fluently with this added pressure.

Although I really don't want/need any gifts, if by chance I do get another one I'm really crossing my fingers it's a door knocker.  I'd love to hang that on the corner of my desk and really settle into the place.

The Rhetorical Jeopardy Game

My students know that I routinely chastise the rhetorical question as an introduction technique.  It's right up there with the quote you spent 2 hours googling because it says "just what I meant".  Stop. Don't use quotes.  Stop starting essays with questions like, "Have you ever felt like you lost total faith in humanity?"  One, that' personal.  Two, that's a ridiculous question. Of course I have.  I just read your rhetorical question.

And don't get me started on what I'm now calling the "rhetorical question of presentations".  Here's the thing- if you are a master's or a doctoral student, the Jeopardy game as presentation is off limits.  It's a cheap thrill that loses my interest after the first daily double.  Yes, teachers probably praised you for being super fun and creative when you've used it in the past, but guess what?  That was sixth grade, and the students weren't paying several hundred dollars an hour to sit and listen to it.

10 VS Fashion Show Observations

My Victoria Secret Fashion Show Observations

1. I like how the models walk out and have a look of surprise on their face.  It's as though someone whispered Victoria's secret moments before walking on stage.  That or they are caught off guard that they're in their underwear in public.
2. Rihanna's pearl sunglasses confused me until I realized she was probably just using them to shield her eyes from the bright diamonds in the sky.  Her bedazzlement is worth the risk of clam endangerment.
3. Most of these women have accents.  Even though I'm confident most are faking them to sound fancy, I appreciate it.  It gives me reason to believe they're like unicorns from a made up land.  
4. Every so often, when one really wants to let her wings be seen, she'll pause and stare into the camera.  As she's doing this she gets a very intense look on her face.  It's the same look one gets when they step in gum or dog poop.  Or perhaps she's trying to break me and get me to spill the beans through stare down intimidation tactics.
5. Why do I feel more inappropriate looking at Justin Bieber in his white God like ensemble then the models?
6. Bruno Mars always wears a hat for one of two reasons.  Either he's shielding us from the male patterned baldness or he's creatively adding a few inches to his 5'6 frame.  
7. Have we ever considered how these women get such good bodies? I'm convinced it's because their feathers fly off their wings and blow right in their food.  Just like a hair nobody wants to finish eating after that.
8. I've heard many people make snide remarks about athletes being mouth breathers.  However, I haven't seen one mouth closed for longer than a swallow break.
9. What are the chances a female takes this fashion show too literally.  I fear a girl somewhere might try to recreate this magic by strapping on an over-sized pair of wings or flower petal shoulder pads.  Can you imagine the reaction she'd get...well if she could pivot her way through the door.
10. My biggest fear is all these spry young women will need premature knee and hip replacements with the aggressive sashaying I've witnessed tonight.

Two things on a Monday

1. Who is this "Tight Wade" Lauren is trying to emulate?

2. Once in awhile someone arrogant lets their shield slip a bit, and you get a little material to make fun of them.  Tonight, during a group meeting, Mr. Arrogant in my group said that in development work, it's important to respect the culture so they don't become extincted.  That wasn't a typo.  Extincted.  This, my friends, was small, but just enough to make me feel satisfied and smug.

Post Office Insecurity

Dating Matt has allowed me the opportunity to become more intimate with the US Postal Service.  Before him I may have assumed APO was just the more hip and progressive way to say UFO. When he's not deployed I'm less attentive and nurturing to my relationship with the US mail system.  However, I like to keep it on the line, so I dip in every so often for stamps.  Tonight I thought I'd launch a surprise visit and pick up a flat rate box so that I could mail some Christmas presents to Matt. Sadly, I only saw medium and small sized ones in the lobby, which forced me to stand in line among heavy sighing and box bumping.  Although the box bumping didn't appear as intentional as the sighing, as an athlete, I was able to recognize these silver foxes real intent.  They were using their packages as a positioning mechanism to instigate line superiority.  I simply widened my stance and held my ground.  No budging prevailed, and they waited their turn.  When it was finally my turn, I looked to my newest friend "Shelly" for some assistance.  I asked her for a large flat rate box, and was blindsided by how much self doubt this question slapped me with.  First, she asked if I was sure I checked the lobby.  It felt like when mom would ask me if I was sure I had picked up the dog poop after taking it out.  The one eyed squint and head tilt clearly showed they lack confidence in your abilities.  The only difference was this time I wasn't lying when I said yes.  Still I felt nervous I hadn't tried hard enough.  Then, she handed me this:

As I thanked her and walked away I noticed it was already addressed to a Mickie Keck in Germany.  I asked Shelly if I could have a new one which produced various reactions and worries:

By tiptoeing (literally, I thought it would appear more apologetic to those in line, and frankly I felt a little fancy after my 24oz. coffee) I somehow further enraged the crowd.  The sighing was now accompanied by eye rolling and pursed lips by one broad.  Yes.  I said broad.  Her reaction didn't warrant the title of lady. 

Then, as I walked away my heart dropped.  By returning this already addressed box, did I look like the Grinch?  Was this Mickie from Germany running her own adult version of "Toys for Tots?"  Perhaps she was cutting out the middle man and directly asking strangers for gift donations.  Now I'm the tight wade who called her out in front of all these strangers. If this was the case, all I could think was Santa karma.  Another year without that trampoline and Barbie battery powered Jeep I keep asking for :(

Finally, what if this Mickie's identity gets stolen at some point?  People clearly saw her name and address in my hands.  A handful may have seen me snap a picture, and my hair no longer matches my driver's license.  The recent dye job, and whole Catholic teacher claim just looks like a clever rouse.   

So, if these presents don't jingle Matt's bell, then I plan on taking them back and sending them to Mickie.  Mainly to eliminate the appearance of identity theft, but also to spread a little Christmas cheer.

Patience Is A Virtue

pa·tience

  [pey-shuh ns]

noun

1.

the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation,annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2.

an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3.

quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

I may not be able to ribbon dance, do a cartwheel, or bedazzle a pair of jeans, but I can show patience.  When people are blocking me in the bread aisle at Target, I don't see it as a battle zone.  I simply wait as they make a crucial life decision: white or wheat.  When I ask my students if there are any questions and one of them raises their hand with a story I chose to listen because chances are I'm going to need him or her to erase my board at some point.  No body wants a disgruntled board eraser.  They leave streaks.  However today, I found myself feeling insecure about my personality's pride and joy: patience.  

• I realized that if I try to cook soup in a pot or in the microwave I never wait long enough for it to get past warm.  Yet, I don't complain about the fact I'm eating cold soup three bites in.  So, in fact, I didn't actually show annoyance or irritation. Frankly, I'm pleased my lip and tongue aren't singed and I'm still able to taste in case a dessert situation presents itself. 
• I blow-dry my hair in segments.  I get bored after a couple minutes, turn it off and do something else.  Usually it takes me about 5 spurts to get my hair 90% dry.  The remaining moisture is sucked out as I straighten it.  How can I be sure?  I hear a sizzle sizzle sizzle.  Although it takes me much longer because I'm not willing to do it in one sitting, I'd like to silver line it and say that I am in fact showing patience here.  I'm showing steady perseverance through the heat and loud noises. 
• I stopped at Target after the gym.  As I was going through the checkout the cashier was a curious cat.  My nail polish purchase sparked a conversation on how it's her "one girly allowance to self."  Although, I wasn't really sure what that meant I told her that I totally understood and I was the same way.  Somehow this lead into a conversation about how I hope I have little girls some day that can play with a barbie and bounce a ball.  I think I was trying to show her I was an athlete and not high maintenance, but it came off more like I was attempting to solicit a new friend.  She confronted me with delay, but instead of presenting her with an attitude, I found myself engaging her in a verbal exchange that felt more like a Dear Abby letter than casual conversation.

Yet, upon closer examination I realize I'm even more patient than I thought.  Talk about peacocking.  I fear my feathers are so ruffled I won't be able to comfortably rest in my bed tonight...

Bret Michaels??? Right Here, Right Now...

An impromptu lunch date with Stephanie turned awkward due to her lack of self awareness in terms of voice levels and facial expressions.  My curiousity got the best of me when she told me to look behind me because "it's worth it."  First off, I should have refused to look because she failed to use her inside voice, but I'm a people pleaser. 

 

This face should have given it all away, Lauren.  Honestly, does that look say "Hey, turn around, you're about to gain something from this." or "Hey, turn around, I'm about to involve you in something socially inappropriate".  Right. That's what I thought.

Once I realized she was overwhelmed by the Bret Michaels version of a Barry Manilow fanilow, I had already made eye contact with the hungry gentleman.  Literally, the ensemble and swagger this man was rockin was Brett Michaels circa 1993.  I feared making this already awkward situation further uncomfortable so I decided to commit to it.  I stared at that door for about 30 seconds with a perplexed look on my face.  I was trying to appear as though I were doing a high level calucation in my head rather than propositioning him with a stare down like I suspect Steph was trying to facilitate.  The combination of church giggles, and Stephanie trying to turn around and take a picture of him painted the wrong picture for my new friend.  Knowing that I'm more discreet and that my sister won't back away from capturing something she finds funny, I told her I'd take a picture.  Trying to be sneaky I turned my sound off so he wouldn't hear the "shuchtsh" sound.  As my flash went off and commanded his attention I realized there was no possible way to make this situation better.  I guess the real Brett Michaels was really on to something with that song.  Eating lunch with my sister was beautiful, but a little prickly..."Every Rose Has It's Thorn...."

But, honestly, who turns to that degree?  What she calls really committing would have spooked anyone.  A simple twist or an "oops, I dropped by napkin" move would have sufficed.   Also, if you take a close look over my should, hiding casually just behind the chips (see below), you'll see that he more than appreciated her longing stare, and he reciprocated nicely.
The only thing I'll apologize for is how obvious I'm being in this last picture because pointing my head was unnecessary, and I'm not sure that pretending to be on my phone was sneaky either.  Regardless,  you can see him in all his glory.  You didn't need me.