Health Code Violation

Looking at this picture, you may fear Stephanie knows something you don't.  I sure did.  Nobody carelessly tosses and leaves an empty box unless there is no time to be socially appropriate such as: house fire or your water broke.  Since I'm not socializing with the fire department or a new baby currently, there's no good explanation for this laziness. It wasn't until I showered that this apparent laziness felt more like a warning.

 

In my "area" she decided to prop her dirty bandaid.  You may be thinking, "ish, is that blood smeared under and near it?"  Yes.  Yes, it is.  It was as though I had stumbled upon a crime scene.  Perhaps this too was laziness, but I know how she likes a good crime show and fear she's out to disease me.  I'm one uncovered sneeze or cough away from calling the CDC on her butt.

My Hair Has Mullet Envy

Through the years I've encountered every form of precipitation.  Snow, rain, sleet, people who spit when they speak, birds who lack politeness in their pooping, I've seen it all. Through all these trials and tribulations, I've fought the social norm that a true lady uses an umbrella.  For some reason I've developed a strong opposition to it.  It feels like I'm being weak or perceived to others as high maintenance.  There are very few occasions I'll allow the use of an umbrella: Prom (mom said I had to) and a dance number I choreographed back in '93 (my ribbon dancer had momentarily been misplaced.)  Today, I attempted to "keep it classy" by giving in and using an umbrella to walk into school.  It was conference night, and I didn't want my appearance to spook or concern the families.  Two steps away from my car and I got a proverbial slap in the face from the wind, as it flipped my umbrella inside out.  Balancing my purse, lunch, teaching stuff, and coffee allowed no mobility to flip it back. So, I entered school completely unprotected, ashamed, and with my hair having mullet envy.  I'll explain, stick with me.

 

My mullet envy theory:

My hair is naturally curly and requires some quality time with a flat iron to make it straight.  As soon as it senses moisture, even a humid day, the curl pops right out like it's time to party.  Now if you think of the purpose of a mullet, you realize that the individual is simply expressing their ability to be a healthy mix of work and fun.  They've got business time in the front, and a party in the back.  I'm confident my hair and the weather were in cahoots to show the parents that Ms. Hicks in fact has two sides.  With random curling because of the umbrella malfunction, and sections of my hair that "fought the man" and stayed straight the families were able to see that I'm business with a little bit of party when the time is right.  Even if the parents didn't feel comfortable verbalizing this to me, the kids did. 

 

As I dropped my class off at music one of my little girls said "Ms. Hicks, I love your dress and bow headband.  You're like Christmas.  You're like a present.  I want to take open you up and take you home!" 

 

She definitely took note of the curl to straight ratio, and knew what was up.  Tonight, I brought the fun....   

 

We Share The Pants, but He's The Only One Who Could Fix 'Em If Torn

The more time I get to spend with Matt the more domestically inferior I feel in our relationship. Our problem solving approach is very different and I've come to realize he's not just a pilot, and typical male, he's got trophy wife tendencies. His skills would earn his father a whole herd of cows in terms of a dowry.

Example 1:

We've all danced,  but when Flo Rida comes on Matt gets 'limbo  low' and doesn't simply tap, rather he hits the floor. This could produce pant part-age. Split pants don't appropriately highlight boots with the fur. To maintain hipness I'd buy a new pair, whereas he pulls out his needle and thread. 

Dowry  Points:

Matt-1  Lauren-0

It's fall, and what better way to celebrate than a warm cup of apple cider. I like to splurge at the local Caribou, whereas he reaches for his crockpot and mixes his own cider from carefully calculated spices. Sure my approach is faster, but from the looks of it the peacocking rights earned are worth the wait.

Dowry  Points:

Matt-2 Lauren-0

I wear makeup to the gym, and im confidently hoping he doesn't. Also, I hold a personal record of 20 diaper changes/5 potty trainers  in under an hour when I worked at a daycare. This was post lunch duty, so my past poop encounters earn me 2 points. 

Dowry Points:

Matt-2 Lauren-3

Finally,the purpose of a good trophy wife/girlfriend is to peacock to others. Typically, that's the boy's job. I like to break social norms apparently.  I started tutoring a girl again that I had a couple years back. I had given her an Irish  Claddagh ring on our last day and explained how its positioning showed relationship status. Today half way through she looks at me and goes 'what's his name?' I said 'Matt (and noticing she was wearing her ring in the boyfriend way asked), and yours?' She responded 'Christian, and he's really good at math, he taught himself trigonometry.' Feeling slightly competitive I said 'yeah mine too. He's got an aeronautical engineering degree which means rocket science type math.' It was at this moment I realized I had lowered myself to the 'my dad can beat up your dad' fight.' 

My mother would be severely disappointed in my non domesticated ways. Please don't tell her, and if she asks I straighten my hair daily and more truthfully still have never said a swear word.

My life in photos: day 1

This woman took several opportunities to sneeze by just turning to her right and letting any godforsaken virus spray on the empty table next to her.

It finally became too much for her, and she had to go get a tissue.  Why now?  Just use your sleeve.

Ted told me to do it

So, I am walking through an interesting thought or two right now.  I am refusing to feel sad about something, and instead, I am deciding to rely on something I watched on a Ted Talk.  It's simple.  Take the next 30 days to do something manageable to change something you've been wanting to change.   I plan on two two things to make life more positive:
1. Take a picture every day- I love this idea, and I can't wait to share them with everyone.
2. Read a list of affirmations to myself everyday for 30 days and see if it makes a difference.

Care to join me?

Just in case you need a reason:
http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html

When people sing aggressively

It can be off putting when someone really launches into a song.  It's worse when you don't know them.  Worse yet when you are in the dentist's office, and damn near worrisome when the song they've choosen to belt out is "Burning Ring of Fire" and the only lines they know are "I went down down down" and "in a ring of fire". P.S. Panic sets in when you realize it's the receptionist and she keeps saying fire like "faaaaiiiiiiire".

And During Nat'l Bullying Awareness Month. Shameful.

I felt like I was watching an after school special on bullying rather than watching the news this morning.

Story 1

(Secret: I find myself with the same shallow thoughts I held for George Bush back in '04...Mr. McGovern is pretty attractive for an older guy.  I invite judgement.)

 

Sen. George McGovern is in hospice and has become unresponsive at this time.  The fun fact they give us for identifying him:

"He ran against Nixon for the presidency and lost by a landslide."

 

Good time to bring that up.  I'm surprised they didn't throw a "yo momma" joke his way.  Go big or go home, right?

 

 

Story 2

 

They show this video:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anf2qEjec3U

 

The guy just broke his butt, and instead of a courtesy "oooo! The worst!" the 3 newspeople start laughing and slam his midjudgement of ice thickness.  Their peacocking of temperature change and environmental consequences is bullying in the form of Minnesota climate cockiness.

 

I'm currently searching for some Seasame Street, Care Bears, or Pooh's Corner television to balance this feeling of disappointment in humanity...