State of the Union

State of the Union

Questions:
1.) What does one have to do to be the line leader for the processions into the room?  I bet the chosen ones refuse to blurt, budge, and are willing to clap the occasional set of chalkboard erasers for the higher ups...

2.) There are a lot of "meet and greets" during the beginning.  What if you have an awkward silence?  It's not like you can say "ooo I like your suit" because they all look the same.  And if you tell a lady you "like her pant suit" or "sweet skirt" you could be slapped with sexual harassment   I think the safe "filler" would be "I like how quickly you stood up" or "your speed of clapping was truly top shelf."

3.) Biden went between wearing his glasses and not.  I wonder how he decided that it was a "clutch" move to pull them out?  I know it made me appreciate how he's aged a little more...

Observations:
1.)  Obama opened with "There is much progress to report."  For those Americans who are skimmers we are tempted to turn it off right now because that appears to be his "two thumbs up" summary.  The rest is just going to be supporting details, right? 

2.) Every man who's been president has lived the life of a bride on her wedding day. 
     a.) The men and women of Congress who processed in before are their flower girls.
     b.) Everyone stands as he walks in and most smile as he glides down the aisle.  Those with     
    opposing viewpoints are like the scorned lovers of the bride.  They'll fake being happy, but 
    really they're hoping someone trips on their grand entrance.  Or at least that his fly is down.
    c.) He follows tradition.  You know the saying "something old, something new, something  
    borrowed, something blue?"  I think he knew what he was doing when he chose that tie.

3.) In Dante's Inferno they talk about the circles of h-e-double hockey sticks...you an spell that out...if not, it's where the devil lives.  (I still refuse to swear...I'll never crack.  My uncle Teddy tries to break me every family event.  Each time he inquires about the hometown of the devil I quickly yell for my mommy. 26 years she comes running 90% of the time :)  ) Back to my point.  Being in the audience would be my personal 9th ring of h-e-double hockey sticks. I loathe conflict, awkward silences, and being forced to clap for extended periods of time without choice.  As a member of the crowd you are forced to either sit silently if your "side" disagrees.  If you're real hardcore you may even fold your arms.  These are the "alpha audience members."  They aren't above bullying either.  I saw two guys sitting next to each other.  One double clapped and was shot a dirty stink face from his comrade on the left.  He was left trying to rationalize to this guy why he chose to half-a** a clap.  He'll never make that mistake again.  If you do agree, it's "State of the Union appropriate" to aggressively clap.  My stamina isn't built for something of this magnitude.  A 4th grade recorder concert sure, but the level of clapping needed to satisfy a State of the Union address is beyond my capabilities.  

4.) He said the troops were coming home, which couldn't be more perfectly timed.  Matt deploys Tuesday.  Talk about a close call. 

5.) There are some bold eyebrows and mustaches in the crowd...from both genders...

6.) People are sitting in the aisles on the floor.  Although I'm concerned about what landed them that seat, I'm more impressed by their "criss cross applesauce" stance.  They're really doing this country proud.  

Happy Birthday, Steph...Keep Your Birthday Suit to Yourself!

Tomorrow marks the day that Mama Hicks went into labor for the 3rd time.  I think we can all be thankful for Stephanie and her minimally painful entrance into this world because Mary and Jerry Hicks decided to finish with 4.  It was my "ta-da" from Mama Hicks' womb that threw her into early retirement.  Poor woman claims she wanted 5.  Some may think my mom's claim that I basically "broke her back" during labor is a dramatic claim, but you can imagine how I took being born as a competition.  I wanted to make my presence known which provoked me to kick the entire way out. Why? Because I'm an athlete, and I'll accept any challenges whether it be a birth canal or a Chinese Sharpee...

Now that you're sitting on that visual, and confused as to why I'm over-sharing  I'm going to shift back to Stephanie and her becoming a year older...

Each year we strive to become more respectful, responsible, mature, and socially aware as humans.  Stephanie at the ripe age of 32 has almost mastered each of these, however I have a few gentle reminders/suggestions/hopes I have for her this year:

1.) Compliments: Instead of responding "of course I do, I knew it, I know I'm fantastic" to a compliment I hope she starts pretending to be surprised by her greatness.  Perhaps a simple "thank you, that's very kind."

2.) There is a short chaise lounge and a normal 3 cushion couch in our living group.  We spend 99% of our time here and tend to "stick to our couch."  Seasonally it seems, Stephanie will decide she'd like a different angle on our living room and switch our computers to the other couch.  Since living with her, I've come to understand how my kids feel when they walk in to a new seating arrangement   Like them, I'm left wondering if all my stuff "made the move," and why she decided to move me.  Was my phone receiving too many texts in that spot? Was I distracted by Facebook when she'd speak to me? At least I give my 4th graders a name tag to find their spot, whereas I'm slapped in the face with playing an impromptu game of "Where's Waldo" when I get home from work.  Waldo being my laptop and phone charger.

3.) Make that extra effort:
-Throw away pop cans or wrappers instead of strategically placing them in my path so I'll throw them for you.
-Bend down an extra 90 degrees and put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of playing a game of Jenga stacking them in our sink. 
-You do put your laundry in the washing machine, but could you just go the whole 9 and transfer it into the dryer? I know it's more convenient that I'll put it in the dryer and then bring it to you when it's done, but I think you're old enough now to complete the cycle.
-Instead of saying "hey, when you get up can you grab me _____." Maybe this year you could just get up and grab it yourself?

4.) Go back to your roots:
Here it is clear our oldest sister is teaching us how to drop it like it's hot.  She's the rhythmic one in the family.  Steph and I try, but I tend to be more focused on low I can get, and Steph likes to throw in Salsa arms with her hip hop hips.  We need to find our roots, and get back to these days, Hicks.  They were glorious, and we were highly sought after.

Although these are my hopes, I am also very thankful that my sister is also one of my best friends. You have taught me so many things, and allowed me to become stronger and more assertive in life.  You are beautiful, hilarious, strong, live with purpose, and won't apologize for your opinions.  For the most part, it's the best knowing I get to come home to you, even if you don't have on your Sunday's best and dinner on the table as I walk through our door ;) Sure, it took us 21 years to become official friends but that was your fault.  You were the one who "didn't like that I told on you to mom, wasn't funny, and was annoying."  I'm glad you finally came to your senses and recognized my magic, finding me funnier and less annoying.  Don't be fooled though.  I still tell on you to mom when you tick me off or hurt my feelings.  

If you're....

during your 32nd year...?

Duck Dynasty...I'd Quack At That

A few of us at lunch haven't fully been exposed to the show Duck Dynasty and this was seen as unacceptable to some.  Two of my coworkers (Andy and David) walked into the teacher's lounge with two of the finest beards a teacher's salary can buy.  It was a beautiful mix of Scotch tape, construction paper, and unwarranted arrogance.  To show my appreciation for their efforts I decided I'd sit down and watch an episode tonight.  During this experience, I felt more like I was watching the Travel Channel or Telemundo.  I'm learning about a whole new culture and a good chunk of the time I'm confused as to what they're saying.

The Education Duck Dynasty Has Gifted Me

New Words/Phrases:
-"He's pooped more parties than anyone I know."-Duck Dynasty

*Leaves the audience wondering: is he literally pooping at parties or is he just a fun hater?

-"You're smokin' hot.  Lot hotter than this fire.  Nothin' like a hot woman who's hot."-Duck Dynasty

*Am I hotter in the summer if I'm a female they consider hot?  How about post workout?

-"Ain't no one want to squat next to Poisen Ivy. You'll give those anal regions misery."-Duck Dynasty

*Agreed.

-"Let's go to the archery range and settle this!"-Duck Dynasty

*Contrary to the people of the North, a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" settles nothing.  They've got a "go big or go home" mentality that I've come to appreciate.

Leadership:
-The CEO is a man named Willie.  Usually Willie is associated with spit in the ear or a 5 year old, but in this special place this name belongs to the most powerful man.  His posse has secret code names to show discretion and importance.  For example, he's got a buddy he likes to call Mountain Man.  Probably to keep his identity protected.  Which one is he?  The one who looks like a mountain man which is sneakier than you'd think considering the other people in this show.

The Attire:
-Showing some consistency in their mission, they keep their attire like they keep their associates.  This has got to be the largest concentration of camouflage outside of the Military.  They're sporting pants, shorts, shirts, tuxedos, button ups, hats, and bandannas  Some ask "boxer or briefs?"  I'd dare ask "forest camouflage or winter camouflage?"

The Look:
-Six pack abs are pretty universally appreciated.  However, this group's philosophy is the hairier the merrier.  In all honesty there was an odd fixation that I developed with Jace.  That's all I'm willing to offer.  I don't want to talk about it.

The Ladies:
-Let's be honest.  The wives wouldn't be kicked out of bed for eating cookies.  Frankly, they'd probably be ok having themselves a buffet in there.  Not only are they pretty, but they must have been "Where's Waldo children prodigies."  They're married to and are having children with men that are half the time camouflaged into their surroundings. Talk about a keeping the spark alive.  They're playing a perpetual game of hide n' go seek.

Things I learned over break

Lauren was in Kansas over break visiting Matt, and I had the run of the house for the week, and I learned many things about myself.

1. I do not like being idle which worries me when I am retirement age. 
2. The house stays just as messy when Lauren is gone-which means that a lot of it must truly be my 
    fault.
3. The bathroom stays much cleaner when Lauren is gone-which means that this must be her fault.
4. I find myself laughing much louder when I say things out loud to compensate for the silence.
5. With no deadlines, I waste a lot of time!
6. If Netflix had more than 3 seasons of White Collar, I might have wasted even more time thereby 
    causing me to be unable to go to work tomorrow.
7. I am easily put off by twenty somethings who get too close to my face on New Years to explain to
    me (3 times!) why they were "cut off" and have X marks on their hands. Three times.
8. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I'm actually looking forward to it. . .

Happy 2013

Watch out for the baby. Sneaky and willing to ride on your glory

Last year, I got my hair cut Halle Berry short, and it goes without saying that short hair is the perfect canvas for accessories. I told the younger Hicks of my plan to "make headbands my thing". I am we'll aware of how risky it is to take on a "thing ", but it turns out that's child's play compared to the threat you face when Lauren hears a good idea. Within days, she was emerging from her room with all sorts of headbands - some were replicas of my own.
This should have taught me the lesson, but instead I walked right into it with this blog idea last summer. She used to be polite and refer to it as "our blog", but we have moved past it . Yesterday she said, "Oh I have to write about that on my blog". And,yes , she was wearing a headband

Are You Ever Really Asking For That?

Is there a certain age when sexual harassment is no longer a thing?

I'm on the elliptical and an 80 year old man comes up and motions for me to take my headphones off. He then proceeds to point at a kid half way across the gym and say 'see that guy? He's from Wisconsin!' This was followed by intense giggling. Thinking he's anti Wisconsin I say 'ohhhh no the worst.' Confused, but thinking I said just what he needed I put my headphones back in.

2 minutes later....

He reapproaches, this time from the rear. Taking only one earbud out I lean down to the comment, 'you like Wisconsin too (more giggling) at least according to your billboard!' Now if this guy weren't in his Sunday's best and receiving Social Security benefits I may have reacted differently, but I commended him on being a spitfire so early in the morning. 'Well you were advertising' as he points/taps at my shorts.

I found myself wondering if his interaction was inappropriate or if he was right that I was bringing it on myself? This old man has just thrown me into a Lifetime movie. Ladies, don't follow my example. Politeness perpetuates the problem. I fear next time he'll take the visible part of my sports bra and give me a nasty 'turtle snap.'

Alice in Wonderland Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I taught my 4th graders fairy tales this week.  Right about now, you're probably thinking, "wow, she's basically an expert on this topic then." And how right you'd be. I went down to Mankato to pick up my new RAV 4 Limited and left feeling like Lauren in Heintz Toyota might be a better sell than Alice in Wonderland.  The only thing she may have on me is the fact Wonderland gave her a cake that said "eat me" on it.  Then again, probably a good move on the dealership's part not to give me that.  Not only did they save me the calories, but either the WWF or 90210 have stripped the term of its innocence  Those two words are now considered fighting words.  Regardless, I think the elements of a fairy tale I experienced would make Oprah's book club list, and if turned into a movie would give the Star Wars dynasty a run for their money:  

A Kind/Good Character:

-I think it's obvious who we're talking about here...

-Usually this character has some princess like quality.  She's either beautiful or has the body measurements Sir Mix A Lot made popular back in the 90s.  It wasn't until this car that I could claim, I've got a hot butt.  Not because it looks good in a skirt, but because I now have seat warmers.  My butt is literally hot whenever I decide. There's my "hot girl factor." Boom.

Magic/Enchantments:

-The corner of my rear-view mirror turns into a camera when I back up.  I'm as shocked and impressed as all of you.  I have my own personal Snow White mirror.  

-When I have my keys on me (even if they're in my purse or pocket), and I touch the door it opens.  I'm above magic words like "abracadabra or open sesame."  Not even the Wizard of Oz could stop this.

Guardians (fairy godmothers, mentors, magical helpers, guides, etc.)

-Max (Sales Consultant) and Natalie (Financial Services Manager) played these parts beautifully.  Max didn't have a wand, but he did wave around a key-less FOB.  He did not fly like Tinkerbell, but did offer up a little jig. When I said I had hoped Natalie had something like a tiny dance prepared for the finance portion of the day, he caught my hint.  His jazz hands and toe tapping put Michael Flatley to shame.  When it was Natalie's turn she didn't disappoint.  She didn't need to coach me on how to walk in heels or behave around royalty like the fairy godmother in Cinderella.  What she did need to help me with was remembering how to write $2,500 on my check.  I don't throw down cash that freely or often so I had a little self doubt.  She was very helpful with the organization of numbers.  I was battling some pretty tricky 3rd grade math, and she really pulled through for me.

Evil Characters:

-Usually these characters are very ugly and easy to spot.  In my story these two are just the opposite.  Wrapped in a pretty package, my boyfriend and sister pooped on my parade.  As I drove back to Minneapolis, I called Matt to wow him with all the fun features.  Realizing I had recently consumed inappropriate amounts of caffeine and was on buyer's high I told him I'd let him go.  Usually this offer provokes the response "oh, no I love talking with you."  This time he said "oooooook."  Poop on my parade.  So, I call my sister, Stephanie to let her know I'm heading back home.  After a couple minutes I threw her the same bait I had given Matt and told her I can tell she's done with the conversation so I'll let her go.  She bluntly says "well, all you have to talk about is your car and that doesn't interest me."  Poop on my parade.  They're like that poisonous apple in Snow White.  Pretty until you hit below the surface.

Rags to Riches:

-My parent's dog, Murphy, will eat anything and everything.  Last time I was home he ate the insides of my shoes.  I'm cheap, so I rolled with it, and instead of throwing them have chanced Plantar Fasciitis.  Cinderella had a glass slipper, but I'm an athlete and not willing to spend more than $20 on shoes.  So, I splurged slightly at Old Navy and bought my version of glass slippers for $24.95.  I'm a high roller now.