First off, let me say this is a magical night. I’ve suddenly converted into the stereotypical 80 year old woman perched with my candy dish waiting to over compliment the children. Like my friend Pam pointed out, I’m creating a borderline “Hansel and Gretel vibe.”
My sister refuses to get up to hand out the candy, which is fine with me. I like the responsibility and the glory that comes from dropping in the perfect treat. I have a rare ability to identify a child’s candy preference based on their costume and swagger alone. For example, my arrogant superheros like their Snickers for the protein aspect. My dainty princesses that prance to the door like their Dots or Skittles. However, only a few earn 2 treats alongside an “ooooo wowwwwww” reaction. To the little plane and rainbow who so gently tickled my door I threw in the added bonus of a wink to show a little appreciation. Through this glorious experience, I began analyzing the “candy traffic.”
The Moms
These are the ladies who stand within a 2 foot radius of their child. They have a pasted on smile that is far from genuine. They can be split into two categories. First, we have the aggressive soccer mom type who makes the effort to go on their tippy toes to peek at the treat as you wait with bated breath in hopes of approval (usually in the form of a head nod or Happy Halloween shout out.) Secondly, we encounter the Minnesota nice mom who has fought social norms and maintains the implementation of manners. They awkwardly tell their child to knock even though I’ve propped the door halfway open with my hip. Then, they yell in a loud whisper “say thank you.” Most of the time I’ve already shut the door as I hear them shout it back at me, which leaves me yelling back to a closed door “you’re welcome.” Shameful.
The Dads
They stand as far away as legally possible. Honestly, any further I’d either call the police to report a peeping Tom or child neglect.
The Pimps
Countless parents tonight rolled up with a kid who was passed out in their stroller or for sure wasn’t sporting any teeth. I’m pretty sure mom and dad got a hankering and needed a fix. They used their child as a prop to fulfill their cravings.
The Candy Snobs
On the rare occasion I misjudge a candy preference or encounter a member of high society, I’m left feeling embarrassed and peer pressured. These are the kids who watch as you drop in their candy. They also come in the form of the kids who linger a little too long after you’ve made the drop. I tend to overuse the standard lines such as “ooo that’s spooky” or “you are just the prettiest!.” Their lack of appreciation makes me want to take my candy back and yell “I was trying to make you feel good, the kid before you was way scarier or prettier.”
The Has Beens
These are the kids who are eye level, use pillow cases, and no longer feel the need to dress up. Tonight, one slapped went great lengths to slap a name tag on that said “Glitter.” I’m not sure what that even meant, and yet I gave her candy. Why? Because I worried she would call me a name behind my back. There’s also that small fear she may leave a fiery bag of poop on my front step.
No matter who comes to my door, or how the interaction goes down I realize what’s important. My costumes will always be better than theirs...
The Moms
These are the ladies who stand within a 2 foot radius of their child. They have a pasted on smile that is far from genuine. They can be split into two categories. First, we have the aggressive soccer mom type who makes the effort to go on their tippy toes to peek at the treat as you wait with bated breath in hopes of approval (usually in the form of a head nod or Happy Halloween shout out.) Secondly, we encounter the Minnesota nice mom who has fought social norms and maintains the implementation of manners. They awkwardly tell their child to knock even though I’ve propped the door halfway open with my hip. Then, they yell in a loud whisper “say thank you.” Most of the time I’ve already shut the door as I hear them shout it back at me, which leaves me yelling back to a closed door “you’re welcome.” Shameful.
The Dads
They stand as far away as legally possible. Honestly, any further I’d either call the police to report a peeping Tom or child neglect.
The Pimps
Countless parents tonight rolled up with a kid who was passed out in their stroller or for sure wasn’t sporting any teeth. I’m pretty sure mom and dad got a hankering and needed a fix. They used their child as a prop to fulfill their cravings.
The Candy Snobs
On the rare occasion I misjudge a candy preference or encounter a member of high society, I’m left feeling embarrassed and peer pressured. These are the kids who watch as you drop in their candy. They also come in the form of the kids who linger a little too long after you’ve made the drop. I tend to overuse the standard lines such as “ooo that’s spooky” or “you are just the prettiest!.” Their lack of appreciation makes me want to take my candy back and yell “I was trying to make you feel good, the kid before you was way scarier or prettier.”
The Has Beens
These are the kids who are eye level, use pillow cases, and no longer feel the need to dress up. Tonight, one slapped went great lengths to slap a name tag on that said “Glitter.” I’m not sure what that even meant, and yet I gave her candy. Why? Because I worried she would call me a name behind my back. There’s also that small fear she may leave a fiery bag of poop on my front step.
No matter who comes to my door, or how the interaction goes down I realize what’s important. My costumes will always be better than theirs...
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
