Watch out for the baby. Sneaky and willing to ride on your glory

Last year, I got my hair cut Halle Berry short, and it goes without saying that short hair is the perfect canvas for accessories. I told the younger Hicks of my plan to "make headbands my thing". I am we'll aware of how risky it is to take on a "thing ", but it turns out that's child's play compared to the threat you face when Lauren hears a good idea. Within days, she was emerging from her room with all sorts of headbands - some were replicas of my own.
This should have taught me the lesson, but instead I walked right into it with this blog idea last summer. She used to be polite and refer to it as "our blog", but we have moved past it . Yesterday she said, "Oh I have to write about that on my blog". And,yes , she was wearing a headband

Are You Ever Really Asking For That?

Is there a certain age when sexual harassment is no longer a thing?

I'm on the elliptical and an 80 year old man comes up and motions for me to take my headphones off. He then proceeds to point at a kid half way across the gym and say 'see that guy? He's from Wisconsin!' This was followed by intense giggling. Thinking he's anti Wisconsin I say 'ohhhh no the worst.' Confused, but thinking I said just what he needed I put my headphones back in.

2 minutes later....

He reapproaches, this time from the rear. Taking only one earbud out I lean down to the comment, 'you like Wisconsin too (more giggling) at least according to your billboard!' Now if this guy weren't in his Sunday's best and receiving Social Security benefits I may have reacted differently, but I commended him on being a spitfire so early in the morning. 'Well you were advertising' as he points/taps at my shorts.

I found myself wondering if his interaction was inappropriate or if he was right that I was bringing it on myself? This old man has just thrown me into a Lifetime movie. Ladies, don't follow my example. Politeness perpetuates the problem. I fear next time he'll take the visible part of my sports bra and give me a nasty 'turtle snap.'

Alice in Wonderland Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I taught my 4th graders fairy tales this week.  Right about now, you're probably thinking, "wow, she's basically an expert on this topic then." And how right you'd be. I went down to Mankato to pick up my new RAV 4 Limited and left feeling like Lauren in Heintz Toyota might be a better sell than Alice in Wonderland.  The only thing she may have on me is the fact Wonderland gave her a cake that said "eat me" on it.  Then again, probably a good move on the dealership's part not to give me that.  Not only did they save me the calories, but either the WWF or 90210 have stripped the term of its innocence  Those two words are now considered fighting words.  Regardless, I think the elements of a fairy tale I experienced would make Oprah's book club list, and if turned into a movie would give the Star Wars dynasty a run for their money:  

A Kind/Good Character:

-I think it's obvious who we're talking about here...

-Usually this character has some princess like quality.  She's either beautiful or has the body measurements Sir Mix A Lot made popular back in the 90s.  It wasn't until this car that I could claim, I've got a hot butt.  Not because it looks good in a skirt, but because I now have seat warmers.  My butt is literally hot whenever I decide. There's my "hot girl factor." Boom.

Magic/Enchantments:

-The corner of my rear-view mirror turns into a camera when I back up.  I'm as shocked and impressed as all of you.  I have my own personal Snow White mirror.  

-When I have my keys on me (even if they're in my purse or pocket), and I touch the door it opens.  I'm above magic words like "abracadabra or open sesame."  Not even the Wizard of Oz could stop this.

Guardians (fairy godmothers, mentors, magical helpers, guides, etc.)

-Max (Sales Consultant) and Natalie (Financial Services Manager) played these parts beautifully.  Max didn't have a wand, but he did wave around a key-less FOB.  He did not fly like Tinkerbell, but did offer up a little jig. When I said I had hoped Natalie had something like a tiny dance prepared for the finance portion of the day, he caught my hint.  His jazz hands and toe tapping put Michael Flatley to shame.  When it was Natalie's turn she didn't disappoint.  She didn't need to coach me on how to walk in heels or behave around royalty like the fairy godmother in Cinderella.  What she did need to help me with was remembering how to write $2,500 on my check.  I don't throw down cash that freely or often so I had a little self doubt.  She was very helpful with the organization of numbers.  I was battling some pretty tricky 3rd grade math, and she really pulled through for me.

Evil Characters:

-Usually these characters are very ugly and easy to spot.  In my story these two are just the opposite.  Wrapped in a pretty package, my boyfriend and sister pooped on my parade.  As I drove back to Minneapolis, I called Matt to wow him with all the fun features.  Realizing I had recently consumed inappropriate amounts of caffeine and was on buyer's high I told him I'd let him go.  Usually this offer provokes the response "oh, no I love talking with you."  This time he said "oooooook."  Poop on my parade.  So, I call my sister, Stephanie to let her know I'm heading back home.  After a couple minutes I threw her the same bait I had given Matt and told her I can tell she's done with the conversation so I'll let her go.  She bluntly says "well, all you have to talk about is your car and that doesn't interest me."  Poop on my parade.  They're like that poisonous apple in Snow White.  Pretty until you hit below the surface.

Rags to Riches:

-My parent's dog, Murphy, will eat anything and everything.  Last time I was home he ate the insides of my shoes.  I'm cheap, so I rolled with it, and instead of throwing them have chanced Plantar Fasciitis.  Cinderella had a glass slipper, but I'm an athlete and not willing to spend more than $20 on shoes.  So, I splurged slightly at Old Navy and bought my version of glass slippers for $24.95.  I'm a high roller now.

     

There's Gangam Style & There's Church Style

Discipline and what we deem singing appropriate shifts when we enter a church...


The Discipline:
-Church is a naughty kid's playground.  No matter what a kid pulls a parent cannot yell, spank, or threaten. Some parents have created an art form out of disciplining in church.  After a "professional" get's kicked or sassed they usually like to smile as though they've enjoyed the disrespect.  They maintain that smile as they whisper sweet nothings (or threats) into the kid's ear.  Today, I even saw a mom add a kiss on the forehead as she pulled away. Sure it's all fun and games until father says "let's go in peace to love and serve the lord."

Sound Discretion:
-Since American Idol people have more opinions on what constitutes a good voice.  Simon Cowell has invited us to be direct and critical with a person's lack of talent, and Randy Jackson would be the first to tell "a dog" they were "pitchy."  Yet, we push those urges aside as we enter a church and adopt the Paula Abdul approach.  For some reason those who, to be blunt, suck at singing tend to be the loudest.  They're also the most apt to start clapping along to a song opposite of the appropriate beat.  God bless them they're feeling it, and even if no one else is I am loving it, so please continue.

'Tis The Season....

My first student Christmas gift

My students were as excited as me this morning when one of my kids handed me a present.  Every year, without fail, the kids see a peer gifting and get competitive.  This year proved to be no different.  One of the kids yelled out "you'll be receiving my gift on Tuesday, Ms. Hicks."  Another decided to tell me the exact gifts I was getting, the day in which they planned on gifting it, and even threw in a wink almost in an attempt to reassure me I had made her "nice list."   It's the cutest thing, and I so love spending time with them.  When this happens, I always remind them "your presence is my gift.  You make my life more fun!  I do not need a thing."  One little girl yelled back "ha!  you've earned it for putting up with us." As soon as I unveiled this rug from it's box, the room fell silent and some jaws dropped.  This delightful present rests in the entry way of "Hicks' Hub" (A fancy name for the space behind my desk.)  I could have brought this little gem home to share with Stephanie, but instead I kept it at school for a few reasons:

1. Cultural diversity.  It says "happy holidays" therefore it clearly signals to my students I like holidays.  The celebrations and the gas stations.
2. A welcome mat in general really makes a statement.  When pointed outward it allows those visiting your area to realize you're pretty important and that you're accepting guests while wishing them happy times.  Yet, notice the orientation of my mat in the picture.  This was taken at 4pm.  This means that I've heard Ms. Hicks one too many times and I'm currently the only one welcome.  
3. At one point I took a small group to read around the rug.  I made it seem extra special by reassuring them the reindeer and snowmen were interested so they should speak up while reading.  Half weren't listening, and the other half looked annoyed that I'd suggest such a thing.  I don't know about them, but one thing I do know: I read more fluently with this added pressure.

Although I really don't want/need any gifts, if by chance I do get another one I'm really crossing my fingers it's a door knocker.  I'd love to hang that on the corner of my desk and really settle into the place.

The Rhetorical Jeopardy Game

My students know that I routinely chastise the rhetorical question as an introduction technique.  It's right up there with the quote you spent 2 hours googling because it says "just what I meant".  Stop. Don't use quotes.  Stop starting essays with questions like, "Have you ever felt like you lost total faith in humanity?"  One, that' personal.  Two, that's a ridiculous question. Of course I have.  I just read your rhetorical question.

And don't get me started on what I'm now calling the "rhetorical question of presentations".  Here's the thing- if you are a master's or a doctoral student, the Jeopardy game as presentation is off limits.  It's a cheap thrill that loses my interest after the first daily double.  Yes, teachers probably praised you for being super fun and creative when you've used it in the past, but guess what?  That was sixth grade, and the students weren't paying several hundred dollars an hour to sit and listen to it.

10 VS Fashion Show Observations

My Victoria Secret Fashion Show Observations

1. I like how the models walk out and have a look of surprise on their face.  It's as though someone whispered Victoria's secret moments before walking on stage.  That or they are caught off guard that they're in their underwear in public.
2. Rihanna's pearl sunglasses confused me until I realized she was probably just using them to shield her eyes from the bright diamonds in the sky.  Her bedazzlement is worth the risk of clam endangerment.
3. Most of these women have accents.  Even though I'm confident most are faking them to sound fancy, I appreciate it.  It gives me reason to believe they're like unicorns from a made up land.  
4. Every so often, when one really wants to let her wings be seen, she'll pause and stare into the camera.  As she's doing this she gets a very intense look on her face.  It's the same look one gets when they step in gum or dog poop.  Or perhaps she's trying to break me and get me to spill the beans through stare down intimidation tactics.
5. Why do I feel more inappropriate looking at Justin Bieber in his white God like ensemble then the models?
6. Bruno Mars always wears a hat for one of two reasons.  Either he's shielding us from the male patterned baldness or he's creatively adding a few inches to his 5'6 frame.  
7. Have we ever considered how these women get such good bodies? I'm convinced it's because their feathers fly off their wings and blow right in their food.  Just like a hair nobody wants to finish eating after that.
8. I've heard many people make snide remarks about athletes being mouth breathers.  However, I haven't seen one mouth closed for longer than a swallow break.
9. What are the chances a female takes this fashion show too literally.  I fear a girl somewhere might try to recreate this magic by strapping on an over-sized pair of wings or flower petal shoulder pads.  Can you imagine the reaction she'd get...well if she could pivot her way through the door.
10. My biggest fear is all these spry young women will need premature knee and hip replacements with the aggressive sashaying I've witnessed tonight.

Two things on a Monday

1. Who is this "Tight Wade" Lauren is trying to emulate?

2. Once in awhile someone arrogant lets their shield slip a bit, and you get a little material to make fun of them.  Tonight, during a group meeting, Mr. Arrogant in my group said that in development work, it's important to respect the culture so they don't become extincted.  That wasn't a typo.  Extincted.  This, my friends, was small, but just enough to make me feel satisfied and smug.

Post Office Insecurity

Dating Matt has allowed me the opportunity to become more intimate with the US Postal Service.  Before him I may have assumed APO was just the more hip and progressive way to say UFO. When he's not deployed I'm less attentive and nurturing to my relationship with the US mail system.  However, I like to keep it on the line, so I dip in every so often for stamps.  Tonight I thought I'd launch a surprise visit and pick up a flat rate box so that I could mail some Christmas presents to Matt. Sadly, I only saw medium and small sized ones in the lobby, which forced me to stand in line among heavy sighing and box bumping.  Although the box bumping didn't appear as intentional as the sighing, as an athlete, I was able to recognize these silver foxes real intent.  They were using their packages as a positioning mechanism to instigate line superiority.  I simply widened my stance and held my ground.  No budging prevailed, and they waited their turn.  When it was finally my turn, I looked to my newest friend "Shelly" for some assistance.  I asked her for a large flat rate box, and was blindsided by how much self doubt this question slapped me with.  First, she asked if I was sure I checked the lobby.  It felt like when mom would ask me if I was sure I had picked up the dog poop after taking it out.  The one eyed squint and head tilt clearly showed they lack confidence in your abilities.  The only difference was this time I wasn't lying when I said yes.  Still I felt nervous I hadn't tried hard enough.  Then, she handed me this:

As I thanked her and walked away I noticed it was already addressed to a Mickie Keck in Germany.  I asked Shelly if I could have a new one which produced various reactions and worries:

By tiptoeing (literally, I thought it would appear more apologetic to those in line, and frankly I felt a little fancy after my 24oz. coffee) I somehow further enraged the crowd.  The sighing was now accompanied by eye rolling and pursed lips by one broad.  Yes.  I said broad.  Her reaction didn't warrant the title of lady. 

Then, as I walked away my heart dropped.  By returning this already addressed box, did I look like the Grinch?  Was this Mickie from Germany running her own adult version of "Toys for Tots?"  Perhaps she was cutting out the middle man and directly asking strangers for gift donations.  Now I'm the tight wade who called her out in front of all these strangers. If this was the case, all I could think was Santa karma.  Another year without that trampoline and Barbie battery powered Jeep I keep asking for :(

Finally, what if this Mickie's identity gets stolen at some point?  People clearly saw her name and address in my hands.  A handful may have seen me snap a picture, and my hair no longer matches my driver's license.  The recent dye job, and whole Catholic teacher claim just looks like a clever rouse.   

So, if these presents don't jingle Matt's bell, then I plan on taking them back and sending them to Mickie.  Mainly to eliminate the appearance of identity theft, but also to spread a little Christmas cheer.