For Sale...

This story begins about a month ago when someone had a stressful day and flippantly said “I’m sick of yard work, I need a new space.  We’re moving.”  I took this decision as seriously as:

1. A parent using the line “you do that one more time and no more (insert empty threat).”
2. “Tomorrow, that’s it I’m giving up (insert whatever bad habit you’d like.)”
3. When mom says “I love all my kids the same.”  (When pushed Mama Hicks follows up with, “well, yes, Lauren, you are the precious one.”)

Imagine my surprise when we were visited by a Realtor within days.  My false support, turned into days spent reiterating that I was simply the renter as well as showcasing the fine points of this home we built together in an attempt to change her mind. Through this experience I've learned I’m not good with people telling me what to do or games that I don’t win.

The Games:

• Witness Protection Program: When you’re little you may be familiar with playing the board game “Guess Who.”  I would connect what I’m about to tell you to that, however this isn't as fun.  It’s more like they’re playing a small stakes game of “Witness Protection.”  Before we could put the house on the market I was instructed to hide all my pictures that had myself or anyone human really in them.  Later I was told “we want people to imagine themselves in this home so nothing personal.”  I tried to rebel and write my plans for the week on the whiteboard in the kitchen.  I had a happy hour with a time and place.  After a walk through with brokers, and a couple showings this is what remained:

(Look across from Google Docs Class.  That was clearly written before our visitors.)

• Hide N’ Seek: Stephanie, along with our Realtor are playing a perpetual game of hide n’ seek with my stuff.  Bare spaces are apparently more appealing? Therefore, I've found my Kettlebell shoved under my bed, my blanket in the midst of my closet, toothbrush in a germy cupboard and my coffee maker in the pantry and worst of all it’s on Stephanie’s shelf..
  
  
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• Connect 4: To my delight, the cable and power strip controlling the TV/Apple TV/DVD player is required to be unplugged and hidden from view because our setup is “sloppy.”  If I want some cheap entertainment back I've got to use the 2 cords and connect them to 2 holes in the wall.  The problem is I’m presented with 4 wall plug ins which has left me annoyed and choosing to enjoy my own company until Steph comes home and reconnects it for me.  
  
  
  

(Notice the pile to the right.  That’s post plug in removal...ya...looks real classy that way too)

There are a few things that I've decided to silver line:

1. Each time we leave the house we put all of our shower stuff into the car to get it out of the way.  This COULD fall under the “Witness Protection” game I was telling you about, but I’m choosing to see it as an extra little workout.  Most of those bottles are full, and our driveway isn't a cake walk...
   
   
   

2. Each time someone has a showing they leave their business card, and the promise of offers coming in has me feeling kinda popular.  I’m choosing to find the beauty in peacocking based on business cards.  The business world, networking, and business card exchanges are uncharted territory, but something about it feels right.

Although it was a slow process, I believe that I’m starting to embrace this change.  I confirmed it this morning when I realized I've got sign envy.  I keep driving by other houses with for sale signs, and I’m jealous ours isn't up yet.  Wherever Steph and I end up living next, it’ll be the best, but I want her to remember one thing...

I’M STILL JUST THE RENTER... :)

The Magic of the MCAs: State Testing

Each year my kids appear more stressed and anxious when MCAs roll around.  State testing, and the overall vibe has shifted quite a bit since I was a kid. 

How Ms. Hicks Approached MCAs at 10:

• When you finish a standardized test you're supposed to read quietly.  I was a math kid so I hated when I was told to read.  However, I was a good kid and at least was sweet enough to "look the part."  You know Pizza Hut's BOOK IT reading challenge?  I'll be honest.  This girl ate pizza unethically for years.  I had enough self discipline to hold a book for a 1/2 hour a day and every couple minutes turn the page in order to get my personal pan pizza.  Sadly, Mama Hicks was peacocking "The Precious One's" literacy as we sat in that booth.  She'll never believe you if you try to clue her in on what I've just shared.  Anyway, this was the same work ethic I took to the post test silent reading opportunities.  I always chose a book with an athlete on the cover.  Let's be honest,  I judge a book by its cover.  
• If I didn't know the answer I would look at the design the filled in bubbles created on my answer sheet.  I would scan it for a pattern and if I couldn't find some repetition  I decided I would choose the answer that made the funkiest design.  I know what a lot of you are thinking right now: "Wow.  What a rebel.  She neglected to go with the old standby, C."  I'm fairly confident that either AC Slater or Zach Morris tipped us all off on that years ago.  More recently, I'm pretty sure someone at MIT or Harvard backed that theory with a study. However, I'm a leader not a follower, so I went the road less traveled.
• I wasn't aware these scores went back to mom and dad.  These felt more like a favor I was doing for some guy they had nick named "The State of MN."  I thought we were just helping some guy "get a feel for how much 4th graders know."  If I would have known he was going to tell my parents I wouldn't have looked at the clock and filled in the remaining bubbles quickly because I feared being late to recess.  We played basketball with the boys....and it was the only time I could rationalize my proximity.  

Kids of Today:

• Each year the kids become more aware of the importance of the MCAs.  Although I'm happy they understand it is important to do their best in order to get an accurate read on their progress, I'm saddened by how it affects them negatively.  They are using the terms "fear, stress, and anxiety" in association with the standardized tests.  These are words that weren't even in my vocabulary at 10.  To combat this feeling of negativity I tried to present my kids with a metaphor.  I told them to consider this the big game.  Each day is like practice, and when you get a chance to play at the highest level and get your efforts validated it's fun and worth all that hard work.  This pep talk helped a little, but didn't completely eliminate the pressure they feel. 

Questions pre/post testing from the kids who embraced my pep talk:

1. "Ms. Hicks...umm...I know you said just 5 pieces of unwrapped candy or mints, but what if they're little? Or if we had a light lunch?"
2. "Ms. Hicks, do the MCA people force you to walk in circles the whole time? (he didn't even wait for a reply) You poor thing, you should get a nap.  You've probably walked a mile or two."
3. "Ms. Hicks, what if we have candy in pieces.  Like if it came in one bag does it count as one candy?"
4. "We have people volunteering as bathroom monitors? (giggling) Why? What do they think we're going to do in there?"  
5. "Hey, Hey, Ms. Hicks, what's your favorite color.  I know you like green then blue, but what's next?"

Questions from the kids who still had underlying fear, stress, or anxiety about the MCAs and its rules pre/during/post testing:

1. "Is this a #2 pencil? Because I don't see a tiny 2 on it."
2. "Sorry.  Can I go to the bathroom? I'm sorry."  Apologizing for potty? Sad and unnecessary.  Apologizing because your break matches your pencil...wellllllll...Ok. Ok. Even then, they shouldn't apologize.   
3. "Ms. Hicks, am I allowed to blow my nose?  

Today, I was prouder than a soccer mom at the World Cup.  I had the privilege of walking in the shoes of David Beckham's mom.  My kids were amazing and worked so hard and took it so seriously.  While carrying out my test monitoring duties and circulating the room for around 4 hours today I had the opportunity to peacock to myself about my babies and their work ethics.  It also allowed me an opportunity to stumble upon a shocking realization.  Turns out I become less of a scone and more like toast about an hour with my own company.  I bore myself.  There are a lot of awkward silences in my head after I run through my short list of conversation pieces.  I fear tomorrow within the first hour I'll default to "how 'bout this weather." 

Touche, April 1st, Touche

Every night there are 5 different routines I have that help countdown the days until I get to see Matt. Some of you are thinking I may need to pick up a hobby or seek some help, however if you reread my first sentence you'll quickly realize I don't have any time for that :) The largest of these is the paper chain.

I’m still amazed by the fact I got “hole in the wall clearance.” The fact she let me put push pins into the wall was probably because I’m a bit of a crier when he first leaves. Let’s be honest it’s not a pretty sight when this happens.  My sister hits her threshold quicker than a groom on his wedding night when it comes to comforting irrational crying.  There’s aggressive eye squinting and my mascara likes to cheat on the lashes and party with the rest of my face.  Frankly, the holes in the wall were the only bearable option if she wanted a peaceful next couple of months.

Fast forward a few weeks, and Steph heads to Mexico on spring break. She thought my J.Lo suitcase from Santa would be the finest touch, and so she asked to borrow it.  I like to keep my suitcases behind my bed.  You know in case someone needs a birthing coach and goes into labor or if my parents decide to spring a trip to Disney on me...I’ll be ready.  Anyway, she was responsible for putting it back in it’s spot after she had returned from her trip.  It was one of the few activities I felt she could execute unsupervised.  That was until tonight.  I went to rip off a link from the paper chain when I sat back in excitement.  If you look at the pictures you’ll see 4 push pins that have no links, and then 4 that have links.  One of which only has half of the chains.  That would imply we were over halfway!  Then my instincts I so beautifully fine tuned during my Sesame Street days kicked in.  The number on the very final link was 11.  If the Cookie Monster and Count didn't lead me astray then something was amiss.  

It would appear my sister thought she’d be funny and screw with my countdown while I was sleeping.  However, I'm confident she didn't intentionally play with my emotions. I sense she was careless and knocked them off their pins and haphazardly put them back up. If she were to carry out an operation of this caliber it would take extreme stealth and as a wise woman once said “ain’t nobody got time for that.”  Steph may not have time for that, but April Fool’s Day sure does.  A day such as this plays on the weaknesses of people like my sister and uses them to figuratively flick people like me right in the nose.  Next time he’s deployed over April 1st you better believe I’m using a staple gun and hanging a super sweet “Keep Out” sign on my door so she can't be April 1st's pawn.  The security I plan on orchestrating to protect my next paper chain puts the efforts of the secret service to shame.

State of the Union

State of the Union

Questions:
1.) What does one have to do to be the line leader for the processions into the room?  I bet the chosen ones refuse to blurt, budge, and are willing to clap the occasional set of chalkboard erasers for the higher ups...

2.) There are a lot of "meet and greets" during the beginning.  What if you have an awkward silence?  It's not like you can say "ooo I like your suit" because they all look the same.  And if you tell a lady you "like her pant suit" or "sweet skirt" you could be slapped with sexual harassment   I think the safe "filler" would be "I like how quickly you stood up" or "your speed of clapping was truly top shelf."

3.) Biden went between wearing his glasses and not.  I wonder how he decided that it was a "clutch" move to pull them out?  I know it made me appreciate how he's aged a little more...

Observations:
1.)  Obama opened with "There is much progress to report."  For those Americans who are skimmers we are tempted to turn it off right now because that appears to be his "two thumbs up" summary.  The rest is just going to be supporting details, right? 

2.) Every man who's been president has lived the life of a bride on her wedding day. 
     a.) The men and women of Congress who processed in before are their flower girls.
     b.) Everyone stands as he walks in and most smile as he glides down the aisle.  Those with     
    opposing viewpoints are like the scorned lovers of the bride.  They'll fake being happy, but 
    really they're hoping someone trips on their grand entrance.  Or at least that his fly is down.
    c.) He follows tradition.  You know the saying "something old, something new, something  
    borrowed, something blue?"  I think he knew what he was doing when he chose that tie.

3.) In Dante's Inferno they talk about the circles of h-e-double hockey sticks...you an spell that out...if not, it's where the devil lives.  (I still refuse to swear...I'll never crack.  My uncle Teddy tries to break me every family event.  Each time he inquires about the hometown of the devil I quickly yell for my mommy. 26 years she comes running 90% of the time :)  ) Back to my point.  Being in the audience would be my personal 9th ring of h-e-double hockey sticks. I loathe conflict, awkward silences, and being forced to clap for extended periods of time without choice.  As a member of the crowd you are forced to either sit silently if your "side" disagrees.  If you're real hardcore you may even fold your arms.  These are the "alpha audience members."  They aren't above bullying either.  I saw two guys sitting next to each other.  One double clapped and was shot a dirty stink face from his comrade on the left.  He was left trying to rationalize to this guy why he chose to half-a** a clap.  He'll never make that mistake again.  If you do agree, it's "State of the Union appropriate" to aggressively clap.  My stamina isn't built for something of this magnitude.  A 4th grade recorder concert sure, but the level of clapping needed to satisfy a State of the Union address is beyond my capabilities.  

4.) He said the troops were coming home, which couldn't be more perfectly timed.  Matt deploys Tuesday.  Talk about a close call. 

5.) There are some bold eyebrows and mustaches in the crowd...from both genders...

6.) People are sitting in the aisles on the floor.  Although I'm concerned about what landed them that seat, I'm more impressed by their "criss cross applesauce" stance.  They're really doing this country proud.  

Happy Birthday, Steph...Keep Your Birthday Suit to Yourself!

Tomorrow marks the day that Mama Hicks went into labor for the 3rd time.  I think we can all be thankful for Stephanie and her minimally painful entrance into this world because Mary and Jerry Hicks decided to finish with 4.  It was my "ta-da" from Mama Hicks' womb that threw her into early retirement.  Poor woman claims she wanted 5.  Some may think my mom's claim that I basically "broke her back" during labor is a dramatic claim, but you can imagine how I took being born as a competition.  I wanted to make my presence known which provoked me to kick the entire way out. Why? Because I'm an athlete, and I'll accept any challenges whether it be a birth canal or a Chinese Sharpee...

Now that you're sitting on that visual, and confused as to why I'm over-sharing  I'm going to shift back to Stephanie and her becoming a year older...

Each year we strive to become more respectful, responsible, mature, and socially aware as humans.  Stephanie at the ripe age of 32 has almost mastered each of these, however I have a few gentle reminders/suggestions/hopes I have for her this year:

1.) Compliments: Instead of responding "of course I do, I knew it, I know I'm fantastic" to a compliment I hope she starts pretending to be surprised by her greatness.  Perhaps a simple "thank you, that's very kind."

2.) There is a short chaise lounge and a normal 3 cushion couch in our living group.  We spend 99% of our time here and tend to "stick to our couch."  Seasonally it seems, Stephanie will decide she'd like a different angle on our living room and switch our computers to the other couch.  Since living with her, I've come to understand how my kids feel when they walk in to a new seating arrangement   Like them, I'm left wondering if all my stuff "made the move," and why she decided to move me.  Was my phone receiving too many texts in that spot? Was I distracted by Facebook when she'd speak to me? At least I give my 4th graders a name tag to find their spot, whereas I'm slapped in the face with playing an impromptu game of "Where's Waldo" when I get home from work.  Waldo being my laptop and phone charger.

3.) Make that extra effort:
-Throw away pop cans or wrappers instead of strategically placing them in my path so I'll throw them for you.
-Bend down an extra 90 degrees and put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of playing a game of Jenga stacking them in our sink. 
-You do put your laundry in the washing machine, but could you just go the whole 9 and transfer it into the dryer? I know it's more convenient that I'll put it in the dryer and then bring it to you when it's done, but I think you're old enough now to complete the cycle.
-Instead of saying "hey, when you get up can you grab me _____." Maybe this year you could just get up and grab it yourself?

4.) Go back to your roots:
Here it is clear our oldest sister is teaching us how to drop it like it's hot.  She's the rhythmic one in the family.  Steph and I try, but I tend to be more focused on low I can get, and Steph likes to throw in Salsa arms with her hip hop hips.  We need to find our roots, and get back to these days, Hicks.  They were glorious, and we were highly sought after.

Although these are my hopes, I am also very thankful that my sister is also one of my best friends. You have taught me so many things, and allowed me to become stronger and more assertive in life.  You are beautiful, hilarious, strong, live with purpose, and won't apologize for your opinions.  For the most part, it's the best knowing I get to come home to you, even if you don't have on your Sunday's best and dinner on the table as I walk through our door ;) Sure, it took us 21 years to become official friends but that was your fault.  You were the one who "didn't like that I told on you to mom, wasn't funny, and was annoying."  I'm glad you finally came to your senses and recognized my magic, finding me funnier and less annoying.  Don't be fooled though.  I still tell on you to mom when you tick me off or hurt my feelings.  

If you're....

during your 32nd year...?

Duck Dynasty...I'd Quack At That

A few of us at lunch haven't fully been exposed to the show Duck Dynasty and this was seen as unacceptable to some.  Two of my coworkers (Andy and David) walked into the teacher's lounge with two of the finest beards a teacher's salary can buy.  It was a beautiful mix of Scotch tape, construction paper, and unwarranted arrogance.  To show my appreciation for their efforts I decided I'd sit down and watch an episode tonight.  During this experience, I felt more like I was watching the Travel Channel or Telemundo.  I'm learning about a whole new culture and a good chunk of the time I'm confused as to what they're saying.

The Education Duck Dynasty Has Gifted Me

New Words/Phrases:
-"He's pooped more parties than anyone I know."-Duck Dynasty

*Leaves the audience wondering: is he literally pooping at parties or is he just a fun hater?

-"You're smokin' hot.  Lot hotter than this fire.  Nothin' like a hot woman who's hot."-Duck Dynasty

*Am I hotter in the summer if I'm a female they consider hot?  How about post workout?

-"Ain't no one want to squat next to Poisen Ivy. You'll give those anal regions misery."-Duck Dynasty

*Agreed.

-"Let's go to the archery range and settle this!"-Duck Dynasty

*Contrary to the people of the North, a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" settles nothing.  They've got a "go big or go home" mentality that I've come to appreciate.

Leadership:
-The CEO is a man named Willie.  Usually Willie is associated with spit in the ear or a 5 year old, but in this special place this name belongs to the most powerful man.  His posse has secret code names to show discretion and importance.  For example, he's got a buddy he likes to call Mountain Man.  Probably to keep his identity protected.  Which one is he?  The one who looks like a mountain man which is sneakier than you'd think considering the other people in this show.

The Attire:
-Showing some consistency in their mission, they keep their attire like they keep their associates.  This has got to be the largest concentration of camouflage outside of the Military.  They're sporting pants, shorts, shirts, tuxedos, button ups, hats, and bandannas  Some ask "boxer or briefs?"  I'd dare ask "forest camouflage or winter camouflage?"

The Look:
-Six pack abs are pretty universally appreciated.  However, this group's philosophy is the hairier the merrier.  In all honesty there was an odd fixation that I developed with Jace.  That's all I'm willing to offer.  I don't want to talk about it.

The Ladies:
-Let's be honest.  The wives wouldn't be kicked out of bed for eating cookies.  Frankly, they'd probably be ok having themselves a buffet in there.  Not only are they pretty, but they must have been "Where's Waldo children prodigies."  They're married to and are having children with men that are half the time camouflaged into their surroundings. Talk about a keeping the spark alive.  They're playing a perpetual game of hide n' go seek.

Things I learned over break

Lauren was in Kansas over break visiting Matt, and I had the run of the house for the week, and I learned many things about myself.

1. I do not like being idle which worries me when I am retirement age. 
2. The house stays just as messy when Lauren is gone-which means that a lot of it must truly be my 
    fault.
3. The bathroom stays much cleaner when Lauren is gone-which means that this must be her fault.
4. I find myself laughing much louder when I say things out loud to compensate for the silence.
5. With no deadlines, I waste a lot of time!
6. If Netflix had more than 3 seasons of White Collar, I might have wasted even more time thereby 
    causing me to be unable to go to work tomorrow.
7. I am easily put off by twenty somethings who get too close to my face on New Years to explain to
    me (3 times!) why they were "cut off" and have X marks on their hands. Three times.
8. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I'm actually looking forward to it. . .

Happy 2013