Ba Da Ba Ba Ba, He's Not Lovin' It

According to Lauren
Seeing a woman on a street corner usually has negative connotations.  Today I found some validity in this.  Sporting her McDonald’s uniform en route to work, a woman was fraternizing with a Dairy Queen fountain drink.  Being his “Bun Buffer” for a couple months back in highschool, I know that Ronald’s relationships are driven by trust and loyalty.  Sure working there was like a summer fling, but never once did I attempt buffing the buns of the Burger King or Wendy.

According to Stephanie
Ba da da this- I’m not loving it.  Take a look below. I can’t get a thing done!
Tell me this man’s mouth doesn’t open from time to time and talk to you, and I’ll call you a liar.  I am currently doing some research for a class, and I happened upon Herbert Marcuse’s picture.  It has been haunting me for the past hour because I swear I saw the mouth move.  So, I keep looking away and quickly looking back to see if I can catch him.  It’s maddening!

Universal Understandings

According to Steph
When I was in high school, I had a Math teacher whose yearbook my friend Anna and I perused with amazement.  He kept it on a front table in the classroom, and he looked exactly the same: flat top, robotic stature, a healthy pair of lips that could really show themselves off when he said the word pi.  Inside was a large picture of Mr. B,  next to a caption that said “If you smile at me, I will understand, because that’s something we do in all languages”.  

He could not have been more right.  Today, I had to slam on my breaks as a biker flew out into the crosswalk with wild abandon.  As I looked up with a scowl, he whizzed past, proudly perched on the seat and showing his crack.  It wasn’t too much, but it didn’t go unnoticed.  It was just enough to make me understand that in all languages, that means “I’m sorry”.  

According to Lauren
This is a rare case where crack was not whack.   He really redeemed my faith in humanity with that gesture.  I conversed with a stranger sans words today as well.  I was recruited into a secret club from what I can gather.  As I turned at a stoplight, some guy (probably the treasurer of the club) attempted to initiate me. He eased me in with a gentle head nod, and then whipped out a wiggle wave (side-note: wiggle waving is when the hand is parallel to the ground, and the fingers move as though they are tickling the air.).  With minimal time to reciprocate I simply smiled.  Heading home from the gym tomorrow holds the promise of another shot at accepting such an offer, and this time I’ll be ready with our secret handshake...

Deflating Conversations

My recent conversation with Lauren and what’s wrong with education:

ME: Lauren, here’s something fun you can do.  Look up RSA animates.

LAUREN: RS--what?

ME: RSA, a space, then animates.  

LAUREN: um . . .

ME: (typing gingerly) They are videos like the ‘power of networks’, ‘the divided brain’, ‘choice’  . . . haven’t you seen them?  You’ve seen the education ones, haven’t you?

LAUREN: Wait wait...you just listed the three most boring things possible.  (mocking) “Hey, Lauren, do you want to calculate the probable DOW for tomorrow?”

ME: OMG , you’re a teacher!

LAUREN: It’s summer, I’m off.

I sit in stunned silence

LAUREN:  You bore me. That’s an awful sales pitch, you should be embarrassed.






Life lesson with Steve; learning to show some discretion with who I trust:

Steve, Mr. Roger’s long lost brother, proudly holds down cash register #2 at the St. Louis Park post office.  I usually get register #3 where a small woman resides.  Her sass usually provokes an unnecessary apology from me for not pulling out my credit card quickly enough.  Today I was confident the Post Office would finally uphold its promise because Steve was in charge of my goods. He’d most definitely handle it with care.   As he was prepping my package he noticed the address (The boy I write home about, Matt, is deployed right now) and said to me “please thank him for his service.”  Steve had won me over, and I felt we had hit a new level of intimacy with such sweet words.  It was at this moment he swindled me into buying stamps.  He claimed I had my pick and pulled out a flyer with a plethora of options.  Feeling fun, I pointed to the Pixar theme.  What he pulled out was not your run of the mill stamp.  They were stamps on steroids, and left me feeling confused and gluttonous.  Silver lining: my stamp is bigger than your stamp.  Makes me feel like I’m winning. And everything I mail promises to bring a smile.  Pretty good.

Modern Day Adam & Eve

According to Lauren:
A couple as old as time was sitting in front of my parents and I at church. For years, every Sunday, I watched as the husband rotated between head scratches, side hugs, and propositioning winks to his lovely bride. Today though, he made 50 Shades of Grey look like a Dr. Seuss book. I was in the midst of admiring his lack of self control, when he saw the line, nodded at it, and then proceeded to cross it. As the final song was playing his hand took a journey down south to her backside, and he gave her “Forbidden Fruit” a little tap (accompanied with a wink). This gave Mama Hicks and I the church giggles, and left us wondering was it a prelude to Sexy Sunday or was he disciplining her for not singing the closing song on key?

According to Steph:
I feel like you broke the 10th commandment of not coveting thy neighbors stuff. You sure took your sweet time admiring every little stroke and pinch, didn’t you. I don’t blame you. I blame the trilogy of Grey books that have you looking for your next sexy story in the Lord’s backyard. Buddy, if a serpent visits you tonight while reading , and he “harmlessly” curls up next to you and asks, “What ya readin’ , sssssister?” Remember you brought this on yourself.  

Stranger Danger

Everybody needs a really quality escape move- something that covers that moment when someone leans in a little too closely or says something so boring, you’re embarrassed they talked. 

Tonight at Target, I was totally engrossed in wires and plugs when Lauren smack me and says, “Did you hear that?”

So . . . right there in the electronics section of Target a male employee in his 20’s was reassuring a very awkward teen employee that he “wasn’t trying to be creepy or weird” which just screams that indeed you are both creepy and weird.Then he coyly states, “And there’s a question I want to ask you, but I’m afraid to.”

Per usual, Steph, your dedication to being concise has eliminated the true inappropriateness of this male predator. First, it was a gentle tap, not a smack. And 20s? In the height of the 90s, maybe. He was flirting with 40s. He led this whole conversation with “You know you’re the only one in this whole store I can’t get a read on. I mean I’m not trying to be rude, but I can’t figure you out." The poor minor replies with “oh, ya, I’m kinda quiet.” Then as he is telling this boy that he’s got this top secret question as though he’s one of the CIA’s finest, a customer inquires about an iPod charger. It gave the poor kid just enough time to slip away or so we all thought until the 40 year old really went for it and yells out “oh you used that as a way to run away from me as quickly as you can.” The kid was a good 5 yds. away which should indicate to you we were no longer eavesdropping they were inviting us into this conversation..

I had had enough, but Lauren was glued. I wasn’t in the mood to report anyone, but Lauren’s issue was much different. As we walked away she worried, “What do you think the question was?”

I don’t think his question was a mystery, rather the way in which he planned on delivering it. Word choice is everything . This man was moments from offering either an indecent proposal a love story that transcends the ages.

Living the Good Life...

5 Indicators Your Landlord is Stephanie

5. She requires heightened senses: She leaves the cupboard doors open.  I think it’s a choice rather than a mistake.  She wants to give the kitchen an “obstacle course vibe.”  She knows I’m an athlete.

4. Honesty is perhaps not the best policy, but it’s hers:  She’ll straight up tell you “don’t talk to me, I’m crabby” or “I’m done with you, shh” or “that outfit is the worst” or “your hair is frightening” or “stop braking! I’m getting sick!  God you’re a horrible driver!  I’m not letting you drive again.”  The list continues, but I’ll stop there because I’m developing a complex as I type.

3.  No follow through: We drafted areas for cleaning.  She’ll let the little garbage and sink get so full it appears she’s playing a game of Jenga with the Kleenexes and Q-tips in one, and bowls and spoons in the other. Don’t get me started on her inability to follow a gentle reminder.  Her remembering to take out the recycling without prompt is as probable as the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. It’s always easier if you do it: There are 2 ways we see this.  Way 1-Anytime I make a move off the couch I’m told to grab something.  Notice I said told.  And she wonders why I’m so content “hanging out on the couch for extended periods of time?”  Fear.  Way 2-She capitalizes on my loving and nurturing approach to life.  For example, last night she pointed and said “Hey, Buddy you wanna get that.”  It took me a moment to realize that yes, she’s in fact telling me to get up off the couch, walk over to the window that is literally at the foot of where’s she sitting to close it.  All those years of “Lauren go get ______, I’ll time you!” was obviously training.

1. She wants me barefoot and pregnant: She’ll randomly buy dessert or dinner ingredients and then swindle me into cooking or baking them...Egg-bakes, Cauliflower Pizzas, Sugar Cookies, Healthy (pop/pumpkin) Cupcakes/Cobbler/Cake/Brownies, whatever she likes...


Things you must think of if Lauren is your tenant

1. The toilet paper never makes it on the roll.  It might be on the window sill, the bath tub or the back of the toilet, but it will never actually get near the roll.

2.  If her car is home, and you can’t find her, but you’ve already checked the couch because you assumed she was resting her eyes while letting her nails dry, then she’s probably in her room Skyping.   

3. If you want to surprise her with a nice meal, don’t stress out.  She’s a young version of an elderly lady who is trying to watch her waistline to fit into a nice pair of slacks.  She basically only eats oatmeal, brown sugar and coffee.   Easy shopping list.

4. Warning: She will rattle off the headlines of top news stories, but she will never actually read the story, so do not ask for details.  Also, if your idea of a top news story is something other than what shows up on Yahoo News, then find another newshound.

5.  It’s easy to pick up on her mood by the songs she’s playing in the morning.  It could be a love song or a zippy hip hop tune.  Either way, you’re going to hear that song about 7 times on repeat until you’re done getting ready and leave the house.  Ahhhh...familiarity.