Living the Good Life...

5 Indicators Your Landlord is Stephanie

5. She requires heightened senses: She leaves the cupboard doors open.  I think it’s a choice rather than a mistake.  She wants to give the kitchen an “obstacle course vibe.”  She knows I’m an athlete.

4. Honesty is perhaps not the best policy, but it’s hers:  She’ll straight up tell you “don’t talk to me, I’m crabby” or “I’m done with you, shh” or “that outfit is the worst” or “your hair is frightening” or “stop braking! I’m getting sick!  God you’re a horrible driver!  I’m not letting you drive again.”  The list continues, but I’ll stop there because I’m developing a complex as I type.

3.  No follow through: We drafted areas for cleaning.  She’ll let the little garbage and sink get so full it appears she’s playing a game of Jenga with the Kleenexes and Q-tips in one, and bowls and spoons in the other. Don’t get me started on her inability to follow a gentle reminder.  Her remembering to take out the recycling without prompt is as probable as the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. It’s always easier if you do it: There are 2 ways we see this.  Way 1-Anytime I make a move off the couch I’m told to grab something.  Notice I said told.  And she wonders why I’m so content “hanging out on the couch for extended periods of time?”  Fear.  Way 2-She capitalizes on my loving and nurturing approach to life.  For example, last night she pointed and said “Hey, Buddy you wanna get that.”  It took me a moment to realize that yes, she’s in fact telling me to get up off the couch, walk over to the window that is literally at the foot of where’s she sitting to close it.  All those years of “Lauren go get ______, I’ll time you!” was obviously training.

1. She wants me barefoot and pregnant: She’ll randomly buy dessert or dinner ingredients and then swindle me into cooking or baking them...Egg-bakes, Cauliflower Pizzas, Sugar Cookies, Healthy (pop/pumpkin) Cupcakes/Cobbler/Cake/Brownies, whatever she likes...


Things you must think of if Lauren is your tenant

1. The toilet paper never makes it on the roll.  It might be on the window sill, the bath tub or the back of the toilet, but it will never actually get near the roll.

2.  If her car is home, and you can’t find her, but you’ve already checked the couch because you assumed she was resting her eyes while letting her nails dry, then she’s probably in her room Skyping.   

3. If you want to surprise her with a nice meal, don’t stress out.  She’s a young version of an elderly lady who is trying to watch her waistline to fit into a nice pair of slacks.  She basically only eats oatmeal, brown sugar and coffee.   Easy shopping list.

4. Warning: She will rattle off the headlines of top news stories, but she will never actually read the story, so do not ask for details.  Also, if your idea of a top news story is something other than what shows up on Yahoo News, then find another newshound.

5.  It’s easy to pick up on her mood by the songs she’s playing in the morning.  It could be a love song or a zippy hip hop tune.  Either way, you’re going to hear that song about 7 times on repeat until you’re done getting ready and leave the house.  Ahhhh...familiarity.