Don't Judge an Athlete by his Headgear

Water polo players have the unfortunate task of wearing headgear that’s basically a swim cap bedazzled on either side. The bedazzlement on the ears resembles what a baseball player wears to protect his future children (<-it’s not that cryptic...unless your mom never had the talk with you. If that’s the case, email me privately and I’ll clue you in.)

Based on this fancy head protection, I made assumptions on their athleticism. After watching for 2 minutes, I realized their strength, coordination, and ability to actually survive a game is mind blowing. To show solidarity and remorse for my snap judgement, I’m committing to watching the rest of the Olympic coverage in a speedo while sitting in the tub. Go big or go home. Especially when apologizing.

Where in the World is Uncle Jim?

According to Lauren
I’m a statistics person. So you can imagine my delight tracking the number of pageviews on this blog. Seeing that it’s been viewed from a different country about sets me over the edge with excitement. (It triggers the same level of happiness I receive sitting on Santa’s lap...when it was still socially appropriate for me to do that.) Since we started writing, Russia has been our #2 country with views. For weeks I’ve been texting Steph or shouting to her from the couch that I see Russia took another peek. Her insecurity and “glass half empty mentality” got the best of her recently when she tried to convince me that google blogger has been tampering with our statistics. She said something like “Lauren, don’t be too excited I’m sure they screw around with the numbers to provoke some confidence and keep you writing.” I’ve held these hurtful comments in my heart until today when we had a family reunion. As I talked to my family from California, I was reintroduced into the fact that my uncle Jim travels a lot for work. He mentioned he had been to England and Russia recently. As soon as we landed back in the cities, like she was a contestant on “Where in the World is Carmen Santiago,” Steph proudly announced to me “Jim’s our Russia.” Moments later it sunk in...I sensed he may be our England , too.

Closing Remarks:
1.) I’m starting to worry I’m simply playing a perpetual game of “Where in the World is Uncle Jim as I proudly peruse the views from other countries. At least he keeps us worldy. Thanks, buddy.

2.) If you aren’t my uncle Jim ,and you’re in another country reading this ,then consider your sticker chart overflowing. Even if you’re in this country reading this , I’d give you a sticker. I show minimal discretion when it comes to sticker distribution

3.) Regardless of what you’re thinking, yes I have friends , and no I don’t need a summer job.

ACCORDING TO STEPHANIE
If I didn’t keep Lauren’s feet grounded, she would still believe in the Tooth Fairy. My God, it’s all I can do to keep her off Santa’s lap. Here’s the deal. My suspicion is that there is some intern at the Google empire doodling on our “Views map” just to pass the time, and s/he has no idea the flights of fancy it is creating in my little sister’s mind. Regardless, she’s had a rather uneventful summer, so if this is what it takes to make her happy, then I’m willing to keep the probable truth from her along with the truth about where babies come from. 

Hate Crime at Locker #3

Today I finished my workout, and approached locker #3 only to realize I had fallen victim to a hate crime. Some people get their car keyed or their house egged. My aggressor took a more threatening and direct approach. Leaving me a pair of stained sensible briefs is the clearest way to let me know I’m not the Alpha in this locker room....

Ding Dong The Judger's Gone...

Although I miss her, moments ago I stumbled upon a perk to Stephanie being gone for the night.....

I’m allowed to watch any Lifetime, Hallmark, or other after school special-esque movie I want without severe backlash from good ol’ Ebert. I’m currently watching a movie I dug up on Netflix that would cultivate similar accolades to some of our generations classics. Movies like “From Justin to Kelly” or “The Lizzie McGuire Movie.” It’s got all the clutch moves. The boy is a struggling musician from the wrong side of the tracks and the girl is privileged and deaf. They fall in love through his song, in which she can not actually hear.....

(or so that’s what the teaser leads me to believe)

Old bags and bugs

Bugs are fancy. There, I said it. Usually I kill a bug on the wall, and I leave it around for a few days so as to let the others know I mean business. Today, however, I gained a new respect for bugs . . . simply by seeing their names in print.

1. Box Elder bugs- How respectful. Whoever named this bug could have gone with Old Box Bug. I like the attention paid to our greatest generations.

2. Since when are all Asian Beetles, ladies? Well, thank you, kind sir. A tip of the hat!

P.S.

3. Moles rhymes with Voles, and that's just funny.

Sticker Chart

*Disclaimer: My circulation is just fine. I just got done running and the blood flow isn’t completely back yet. Steph was very quick to crush my dreams of hand modeling after this picture...

As I entered the locker room, and took my last swig of water from my bottle, I looked down to investigate what felt like a bug resting upon my hand. Instead I found a  sticker that appeared to be from an apple. It survived the car ride to the gym, the workout, and a breezy walk back to the locker room. I chalk it up to the LA Fitness literally placing a “sticker” upon my “yet to be created workout chart” of rewards. I know the gym gods meant it to signify a job well done...

You Are Not My Captain. You Are A Liar.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” 

It happened a month ago, and again today. When my boyfriend calls on Skype the number is never the same number, but answering is a risk I’m willing to take.  I click accept, and  I heard a guy say “hi, this is your captain speaking.” He paused just long enough for me to get giggly assuming it’s Matt being funny and asserting his military rank to me. My moment of swooning is quickly interrupted by a loud woooooohhhhhhhhhhhh sound. (The “jow” resembles a ship horn. *Steph-please note that I do in fact know the definition and use that 52pt. scrabble word “jow” regularly.) My ship horn assumption is soon confirmed by the promise that I am being given the rare opportunity to win a free cruise for two. 

Seasonally Appropriate

Steph likes to keep things classy and seasonally appropriate.  We have a Christmas tree and lights up currently too.  Mama Hicks would not approve of this...

Fear and Yoga & A welcome stranger

I woke up today and figured, "Why not go to yoga?"  Normally, I would only go if it were some group girls day activity, and I didn't want to be the naysayer.  In fact, I emailed my friend today and casually mentioned my intent. She excitedly asked me if I was "into it" which gave me an immediate feeling that even showing interest is giving the wrong idea.  I'm circling it.  I'm observing it for its habits, and if it looks harmless, I might go shake its hand.  Stay tuned.

(Back from yoga)
I walked into the gym tonight carrying 2 yoga mats and had this brief conversation with a man at the desk:

Man: Wellllll . . . two mats?

Me: Yep- I'm getting old, and I  need cushion.

Man: okay- okay (judgy look)

Me: (dryly) Don't judge me.

Man: I am the least judgmental person ever!

Me: (loudly) LIAR!

But then I laughed to make him feel more comfortable. 

As I was sitting upon my two mats, in walks the judgy man . . . turns out I called my teacher a liar.

(Later)

I found this fancy feline brushing her tail against my back deck door.  She found a spot she liked, and when I went out to greet this regal stranger, she narrowed her steel blue eyes, and walked away.   I'm intrigued.

Push ups are the new pick up

Today I was visually assaulted. I was in an Uptown parking lot, talking on my cell phone when I by mistake caught the eye of a parking lot Don Juan.  He was pacing in front of his broken down white stallion (Chevy Cavalier) wearing jorts and a tank top that I can only assume had been worn three days too long.  Though it was a warm day, I doubt his decision to remove his tank top and carefully toss it on his open window brought him any relief.  I reacted by sneering and looking down.  When I looked back up, he was no where in sight . . . wait . . . He wasn't being inappropriate, he was just preparing for a quick urban gym experience between two cars.  A one-legged push up is admirable.

Admitting It Doesn't Make It Better

According to Lauren

• Hi! Hey! Hello! How’s it going?

All would have been clutch conversation starters. However a man who was a carbon copy of Uncle Arthur from Bewitched (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTXEnCc-pco) decided he was above such cliche greetings. He delivered not only the most unique icebreaker I've ever experienced, but he executed the most efficient 10 minutes of small talk I’ve ever witnessed.

“Uncle Arthur:”
(Behind me in line, uncomfortably close to my ear) Hey, you from Wisconsin?

Me:
(Looking over my package to make sure I addressed from MN rather than WI) Ummm, no. Why?

“Uncle Arthur:”
(Throwing his hands up and smiling) Alrighttttt. Guilty. Ya caught me. I was looking at your butt. It’s on your butt. Oops!

Me:
(Trying to reassure the people around me I felt 60% safe)
Oooo. Some would say you were just being resourceful.

Fun Facts About “Uncle Arthur” after a 10 min conversation:

• He’s 59 and thinks Blue Earth County has the richest soil in MN.
• Sr. Margaret Louise from grade school thought he was “incorrigible” and kicked him out into the public school.
• In '96 he got a hole in 1 on the 6th green at the Mankato Golf Club.
• He has to plant his perennials this afternoon.

Key Questions/Comments From Him:

• You got kids? Or a marriage?
• What’s the rest of your day like?
• (As I’m paying) Hey! Don’t you run away I wanna talk with you some more.

Strategies

According to Stephanie

Every since high school, I have loved the game Scrabble.  My strategy has always been: Make a really impressive, lengthy word, and don't pay any attention to the triple or double letter anythings.   This takes time, and it yields very very little points.   I am content with the knowledge that I may not win a war with my strategy skills, but I can craft one heck of an eloquent sentence in a pinch.  Recently, my word world was turned upside down when my very math minded sister began playing Scrabble on her iphone.  Her strategy: mix the letters into some semblence of a word that returns the most points, and hope the computer accepts it.  This brings her to using words like jow.  She doesn't know what they mean, but they sure score a lot of points.  The best part is that curiosity is not going to kill that cat because she doesn't even look them up.  When I play her, I will say, what does hove mean? She doesn't even wince at my accusation that she's not in it for the knowledge.  She simply laughs and moves on.  See below for her latest move:

Thoughts on a Thursday

According to Steph
In the good old days, kids with paper routes used to be able to ride a bike and throw a paper so well it could land in your lap, and by the time you looked up, the kid was waving and winking. I just witnessed our local paper girl wiggling her way up the street on her bike, barely keeping it together as every time she reached for a paper, her bike started zigzagging and her throw was abysmal. It barely made it to the right lawn.


According to Lauren
I was once told lying means you're ashamed. Today this theory flicked me right in the face. I went and visited the Caribou drive thru. All I wanted was a cup of coffee, but what I left with was cup full of shame masked in caffeine. And a voice, that sounded like he might be named Trevor, boomed through the speakers “and Ma’am would you like to support the children with a donation.” It was like a shameful thunderclap from God to sit up and show a little respect. Each time I had fallen for this in the past, I was out 20 dollars, and usually humiliated into not even taking the coffee I was promised for my donation which left me wondering about what kind of kids will be enjoying my fine light roast.

My reply: “oooo, actually I did yesterday, but thank you for asking.” And with that lie, I put my aviators on, and slouched down. When he thanked me for being so generous in the past and handed me my coffee, I felt that proverbial flick. I said a few “Our Fathers” and even threw in the “Serenity Prayer” for good measure.

The Neighborhood Fonz or Devil????

    

According to Lauren

1.) She likes it hot: Even during this heat wave, she makes her hourly smoking appointment on the front step. Fire in her mouth...

2.) She seduces: At least once a day she can be found coercing her cat back home with a “kitty kitty kitty.” Understandable for its younger years, but as a 3 yr old cat he’s making a choice not to come home. She’s married and divorced the same man twice and is currently his roommate.

3.) She likes raisin’ a little he$$: In a neighborhood full of children, on an idle Sunday evening at 11pm who’s shooting off fireworks for kicks? She is. 

According to Stephanie:
Lauren loves a good mystery, but here’s a hint:
This woman we speak of shares our mailperson....

The devil for me right now are two very large flies that have been racing each other back and forth through my living room. I let them go for awhile because I figured they would knock themselves out, but four hours later, they are still bumping into lightbulbs and zipping dangerously close to my head. Now, stop your judgment, I did try to get them at one point, but they have eyes without lids (figured that one out from a “fly fact sheet” Turns out they also clean their eyes with their legs. Efficient.), and they’re fast, so they always saw me coming!

Is It Me?

According to Lauren
Since we only border Edina, and aren’t within the city limits at my gym I figured Target gear was acceptable to workout in.  Apparently I missed the memo that prior to 9am the dress code is business casual.  My fellow athletes were sporting Khaki shorts, leather belts, and a watches that Father Time would be impressed by.  Tomorrow I’ll make sure to wear some sensible slacks, and a breezy blouse.

According to Stephanie
Just for the record, I work out in nothing less than a finely tailored suit and loafers. Just for the record.  
My day was a bit sweatier than Lauren’s as I chose to do some interval training outside-basically walking a lot with some spurts of really serious looking running until cars pass me by.  As I was walking past a house on my usual route, I spied my usual golden retriever napping outside in THE SUN in this 97 degree heat.   “Why would such a shaggy character choose to bathe in the bowels of hell itself?” I wondered.  Honestly, he was within paw’s distance of the shady tree . . . go the whole nine yards and just drag yourself.  But, then, it occurred to me that he might be passed out, or worse, dead.  So, I got as close as the white picket fence would allow and inspected his frame while saying, “HUH”--a bit too loudly, I guess because if I didn’t get the biggest stink eye from that creature for waking him up, then I don’t know what.  So, in essence, I woke a really lazy dog who is going to regret not dragging himself to the shade when he realizes his butt hairs are probably a bit more blond than he was hoping for. 

Magic Mike Rundown

Lauren:  I knew based on the title alone we were in for a treat.  Alliterations?  C’mon, try giving a thumbs down after hearing one of those.

Steph: Personally, I would have liked a bit more warning up front.  Alliterations be damned.  Hit me with something like:   ‘Don’t Spend Your Money on Too Many Shots of Matthew McConaughey’s crows feet”  

Lauren: First off, you’re an English teacher.  Figurative language should delight you.  Secondly, this movie objectifies men instead of women, and you’re a female liberal.  It’s like Christmas in July.

Steph:  Let’s talk about the facts.  Watching this movie was like listening to a dramatic reading of See Spot Run.

Lauren: I will not debate you on that.  Like See Spot Run, this movie relied on its pictures more so than its words to deliver the message.  What I liked was all the different costume changes they were able to incorporate.  Gloves came off when Sara, the oldest sister, and I were trying to sequence the top 3 as we drove home. Dog tags, sweatshirts, and bullet proof vests are fierce competitors.

Steph: True, and truth be told they had me tappin’ my toe with a sweet little trench coat number to the popular favorite “It’s Rainin’ Men”.  Alleluia indeed.  But what a dive the director has taken from such hits as The Informant and Oceans 11,12 and 13?  The best he could get was Channing Tatum? He lost it when the script called for Tatum to string more than 3 words together. Tragedy.

Lauren: How many of those tickets are being sold based on the promise Channing’s word weaving would be poetic? Personally, I paid my $6.50 to see a conventional love story told in an unconventional way...

Steph: Well, agree to disagree, I suppose.  The thing we got out of this was a magic comment from our mother who also happened to see this little gem.  Her complaint: “I thought there would be better dancing”.  Agreed, mom.  Agreed.