A Teenage Dream...

 

Choosing this comforter had me feeling awkward, judged, and embarrassed about my choices, which is extra appropriate when I tell you those feelings were because I found it in the "teen girl aisle."  It was like reliving an awkward 7th grade dance during "lady's choice."  I zoned in on something I liked, but with another little girl eyeing the same one I had some doubts.  I feared the comforter might do 1 of 2 things:

1.)  "Sit this one out" and I'd be left standing alone feeling unwanted (aka didn't dig resting upon an adult's bed so it was conveniently out of my size). 

2.) "Willing to "drop it like it's hot" (aka keep me warm on cold winter nights) This option was more ideal, but I feared explaining to the little girl who stood parousing the same "guy" that she had lost.  "He" was the half to my whole. The salt to my pepper.  And that he, in fact, had me at hello.   

 

After fighting the urge to avoid and hide in the bathroom I grabbed at him and he willingly hopped right in my cart.  Luckily, the little girl turned her attention to a zebra print, so I avoided an awkward confrontation and hair pulling.  Sure my choice was unconventional, but as all of you go to bed with your sensible floral prints, I'll be crawling into fun...

One A Competitor, Always A Competitor

I have the (perhaps unhealthy) need to turn anything into a competition. So, imagine my excitement when I stumbled upon an impromptu 'Towelbowl' or for my hockey fans let me refer to it as a 'Towelcup.'
 

 

 

This is what happens when Steph attempts anything domestic. I feel for her future husband, but not in a sexist way. With her effort and win percentage for challenges such as these he'll never stay sharp for 'events' with outside competitors. These events might include, but are not limited to:

• Putting out the garbage first in the neighborhood:  Athletes do it the night before, while the faint of heart roll out their weekly stank the morning of.

• Getting the perfect pump on a brisk December morning while the weak allow the numbness to set in ending their total bill on some odd cents, like $40.04

 

 

I, clearly, have the rare ability to stay sharp regardless of her repeated defeats. I attribute it to holding secret competitions against 'my kids' daily that they're not even aware they're participating in:

• Sharpest pencil
• Quietest in the hall
• Whose shoe stays tied the longest
• Who can go the longest without a bathroom break
• Who gets there earlier, and leaves later
• Whose dance moves are the funkiest during morning announcements

I win these daily...

My Own Personal Target Lady

(For Dawn: Below I’ll have a key of what the highlighting means;))

______=My secret thoughts
______=A visual of what’s happening

______=Me

______=Target Lady

There’s a Target Lady skit Krisitn Wig used to do on SNL and I always wanted my very own. Today, I received a gift.

I’m well aware I’ve got a tendency to get myself in some awkward conversations with strangers, but today the exchange with younger cashier at Target ranks pretty high. She was looking for a buddy, and I made the mistake of initiating conversation.

Me: Hey. How’s it going?

Target Lady: Oh, ah, good. Just working!

(It’s as though I had called her on the phone and she was trying to paint me a picture of her current activities.)

Me: Oh the worst, hopefully you’re almost done though!

Target Lady: (Gets distracted by spider webs I had bought) Oh wow! Spiderrrr webbbbbbbs! (she said this in a gremlin voice...I kid you not) Although I LOVE it, can you believe they’re putting this stuff out we haven’t even gone through Thanksgiving yet!?!?!
(Trying to not embarrass her I didn’t say anything, but I fear the confused narrowing of my eyes tipped her off) Wait. That’s not right is it? Hmmm, it’s after Halloween isn’t it?

Me: That’s ok, you were close and it’s probably been a long day for you:) To be fair I saw Christmas stuff back there and thought let us get through Halloween first.

Target Lady: It has been long. Long day. Long day. Long dayyyyyyyyyy. I love Halloween. And Christmas stuff? Ugh. Let us appropriately celebrate being a pagan, people. Right?

Me: (fearing she’d cast a hex on me I started nodding agreeingly) Ya, just take it all in one at a time.

Target Lady: Do you want me to put your jugs (don’t even go there, I know, I felt violated too) in a bag?

Me: Noooo, I don’t need a bag....look at me saving the Earth.

Target Lady: (In a southern gentleman voice mixed with a little Elvis) Awwww, well thank you ma’am for saving my Earth.

Me: I do what I can, have a good one.

I’m hoping next Sunday, if I play my cards right, I earn a peek at her spell book...

My Deductions On Apple's Popularity

Over 10 million iPhone 5’s are projected to be sold through the weekend, at least that’s what Matt Lauer ‘s posse tells me:

iWondered how Apple does it...And ideducted...

1.) During the keynote address of any new product they show animations where they slow everything down. The device is usually slowly floating in the air, or so it appears. Sure they’ll claim it’s because they want you to see every angle, but really they’re just “Keanu Reevesing” us. By using the dramatics of “The Matrix” they have us thinking these phones and fancy discmans are beyond the realm of reality. The only people I excuse from not recognizing this marketing ploy is those of you who were partying like it was 1999, in 1999 instead of going to The Matrix in theaters.

2.) As a human race we’re becoming increasingly narcissistic. I’m not saying that in a negative way, but I am saying a direct correlation can be made between our appreciation of self and Apple sales. You put an i in front of anything and it’s gold.

3.) Finally, have you noticed how the workers at Apple stores have been opening unlocking their doors? I’m seeing a lot of footage where we have clapping and cheering for the customers as they walk in. Genius. They’re pulling in ex athletes trying to relive the glory days, and the kids who thrived on sticker charts.

WWJD

Growing up I proudly rocked the cloth WWJD bracelet on my right wrist. I believe mine was blue and with it I was bold. It carried even more clout and overall street cred when you went to private schools (thanks mom and dad.) Over the years WWJD has been replaced with a LIVESTRONG bracelet and more recently a hair binder. Due to this, I sometimes forget to ask myself WWJD. Luckily, there are people in this world willing to pick up my slack.

The locker room is full of a lot of personality types, and comfort levels that more time good than bad (my lunch friends, especially my ladies with the lotion, can back me on this!) Tonight, I stumbled upon “a good one” and some clarity when I walked in to find two women discussing their weekend plans. They were both higher 30s and one had a voice that resembled a teen from the valley during the early 90s. The one with the voice was giving the play by play of her weekend plans to the other girl who politely nodded whilst looking for the quickest escape route. I’m aware that at this point I’ve done two things that Jesus wouldn’t have:

1.) I’ve eavesdropped
2.) I’ve made the assumption this girl chose to wear a scrunchii on her wrist over the WWJD, and occasionally ratted her bangs.

It was her Sunday cap off to the weekend that piqued my interest. Our friend had shared that she would be getting a haircut. The conversation was one sided, but held the foundation of all that embodied a WWJD bracelet:

“Ya. I’m getting my haircut on Sunday. Nothing big. Like a barely a trim. My sister was like omg you totally need to get some inches off because you’re like almost 40. Then I told oh really well Jesus had long hair and he was like my age and a guy.”

Deep comment. This made me realize I had pulled the trigger and judged her too soon. She was obviously the girl who wore the WWJD under the scrunchii. If they would have been polite enough to invite me into their private conversation, I would have asked her if she, too, was born of the Virgin Mary or walked on water? If so, she’s not only got license to wear the hair long past 40, she can rock a curly mullet into her early 80s. 

It doesn't take much

A really enlightening comment floated my way during my 5th hour today.
One of my students really silenced the crowd with this assertion:

"I should be a philosopher.  I taught myself to whistle".

Lauren really did it now . . .

The new baby is named Julia, but Lauren calls her Karl. Fitting.

Redefining "Hip"

We all define Friday fun differently.  This past Friday night I found myself at the gym.  I'm well aware most of you are thinking  “wow, she really puts the “un” in fun,” but to be fair things get pretty wild post locker room when deciding if I should get on the elliptical or treadmill first. The decision is based solely on which will put me next to the least sketchy person.  The mix of danger and fun peaked while leaving the gym.  I encountered a beautiful mix of Shaft and Jesse James.  This poster boy oftoughness was sporting sunglasses, driving gloves, and neon lit bedazzled rims on his (for a lack of a better term) crotch rocket. 
                            

(Sidenote: If I wasn’t legitimately nervous this dude was a member of the Minneapolis sector of He&%’s Angels I would have slowed down to get a clearer picture, but the parking lot wasn’t well lit and after I realized I had forgetten to turn the flash off I also realized I don’t run very fast.)

 

I spent the drive home fearing I'm now lame. My confidence was soon restored when my sister Sara and her husband, Justin, stopped by after their date. Through the years, I’ve used these two as a gauge of what’s “cool” and tonight was no different. One minute, Justin, was shaming me for not “following” his tweets on the Kluewe buzz, and the next, Sara, was responding to conversation through a compilation of various Beyonce dance moves, unsolicited. After Steph and I had appropriately bored them, they grabbed their sign and headed out. They needed to get home and in bed early because they had a Neighborhood Garage Sale to conduct in the morning. Thanks, Nuahns, for allowing me to see that I haven’t lost my edge. I’m merely redefining what it means to have a “hip” Friday night.

 

KINDNESS and COMPLIMENTS

This week, my students and I began to focus on kindness, and it is amazing how different it feels to teach when we are all trying to care about each other.  Here are a few of my favorite compliments the kids gave on Wednesday:
* One of my seniors threw a ball at another student and said "good catch" (what a warm fuzzy)
*One of my sophomores told another kid "I like your pecs" (uncomfortable? Not to this group.)

Ms. Hicks Earns An Apple

Today, I proudly became a peacocking cliche...for about two hours. A tiny girl, who I've never spoken to, rebelled against the wishes of the line leaders and went rogue from her class's line. She stepped in front of me said "hi, Ms. Hicks, this is for you!" This sweetheart had decided to risk "keeping the doctor away" by gifting me her apple from lunch.  This gesture really made me feel like a winner.  So, I victoriously mounted that apple on my desk like it was the Standly Cup.  Once my kids had left for the day I took a moment to admire what appeared to be a symbol of my popularity. Upon closer examination I found a rather large rotten spot on the apple. With the recent iPhone 5 buzz, I'm pretty confident this little lady caught a glimpse of my iPhone 4 and was shaming me...she's clearly an Android girl...

The Scale, The Personality Test

On the rare occasion someone is out to ruin my gym experience and take locker #3, I'm forced to choose a locker of lesser importance near the scale. Last night, I defaulted to locker # 125. Sure it got the job done, but I was then forced to watch the look of disappointment, element of surprise, or outward peacocking as I got ready.  A barrage of women stepped onto the scale. As I sat there fiddling with my iPod I was able to fit each female into 1 of 3 categories:

1.) The Opportunist:

These people moonlight with a scale and are able to gage their weight range on a moments notice.  They'll remove anything with weight on their bodies, that includes the ever so heavy  earring or sock. Usually they even make a quick stop to the bathroom before stepping on to rule out any extra 'ounce-age.'

2.) The Blue Mooners:

These people step on to check their numbers rarely. They can't be appropriately disappointed because they don't know what to shoot for. The tip off is the eye brow raise and occasional audible 'hmmm, ok!' They only feel it necessary to kick off their shoes as they tempt fate by neglecting to remove their gym attire and accessories.

3.) The Showboat:

Over the years these people have developed a sort of swag as they venture to the scale. These people love the public forum.  They angle their bodies so bystanders have the privilege of seeing just how fit they are.  Most won't remove their shoes and a few appear to peacock as they bring their water bottle or  iPod  along for the ride. 

Falling into the 'opportunist' category myself I do applaud the women from last night. They not only got on a scale in public, but with that extra 'ounce-age'' of breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Compliments are complicated

Sometimes compliments are difficult to take, but even when you give it the old college try, it might still not be enough.  Today I heard an elderly woman tell a younger woman: "You are so pretty" to which the girl naturally retorted "Thank you". Here's where she went wrong, as so aptly pointed out by said elderly woman : "Don't thank me! I didn't make you". Good point.

The Education of Honey Boo Boo

 

As we transition into fall, I find myself presented with quite the challenge. I am not a huge tv person, especially once school starts. I only make time for the occasional football or basketball game. Yet, in the final days of summer, I’ve stumbled upon a show that makes me both confident and fearful. I worry this curiosity will shift into an addiction. Honey Boo Boo may be the good girl’s illicit drug.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

The Fears:

• I have my master’s yet there is new terminology constantly being thrown at me. I’m hip on Webster and Urban Dictionary, and but I find myself learning new lingo each episode.
  
  (a.) Example 1: “We stockpile the toilet paper so you can wipe your too-tay” Too-tay means one’s butt apparently. And here I thought it was the girl from “The Facts of Life.”
  (b.) Example 2: “The pig ooo’d herself.” Ooo’d means pooped. Frankly, I think they’re just being lazy with the word poop. They basically took the p’s off the front and back of the o’s to get ooo’d, but maybe I’m just an overachiever.
  (c.) Example 3: “I’m gonna put a lil’ paint on this ol’ barn.” The mom was talking about getting ready for her date with her man. The paint on the barn was a metaphor for makeup on her face. How fancy.

The Confidence Factor:

• The boyfriend or husband or special fella on the show, at one point sees his lady put on a snarly blonde wig and responds “seeing her in that blonde wig got me a lil frisky.” A $2 rat’s nest can get someone frisky,? My God, I’ve got a wig from my Mary Katherine Gallagher Halloween costume circa ‘04 I bet would blow some minds.
• Many times they put subtitles on for the general public to decipher what’s being said by each of the family members because of the heavy accents and incorrect grammar. I realize I have a Minnesota accent, but I drag out the letters in words . This just makes it easier to understand me. Plus, the accent insinuates “she makes a good hot dish, and knows how to work a shovel...”

Squirguls

According to Stephanie
When I was in my early 20s, a bird made a temporary nest out of my hair when I was sitting at a happy hour.  She just fell right out of her nest and did a little jig in my curls, whilst I froze and calmly insisted that people help me.  Today, I was sitting outside reading when I heard a rustling in the bushes behind me.  I looked back to find a squirrel doing a flying leap from my deck into a bush.  I turned around thinking nothing of it until I heard the little sucker rush up behind me, and before I could turn, I felt a whoosh and two paws double tap me on the shoulder before he bounded away toward a tree.  How bold!
Now, it might have been our mangy squirrel named Merle who used to wreak all sorts of havoc in the backyard, but still, that's just really an out of bounds move to use me as a springboard. And a double tap?!  Well, I never!
Below is a picture of what he probably saw as he was flying toward me.

One of our reporters in the field caught another one of the squirrel family doing something spectacular.  This picture was captured by John, our correspondent at the U of M.  Amazing strength in those little jaws, no?



I Can't Get Enough Of This Wondering...

I saw a guy running, whose shirt said “A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.” While fighting the urge to fist bump him on his choice in gym apparel, I spent the next couple minutes wondering (I’ve really embraced our school motto.)

Doctors: “A good doctor knows the human anatomy, but a great doctor knows a good lawyer.” (Disclaimer: I love doctors. Each year when I see my bill, it feels like I’ve taken you on a really fancy date, but you’re worth it;) )

Investment Managers: “A good investment manager knows the stock market, but a great one has his own Ponzi scheme.” (Disclaimer: I’m just angry I don’t make enough to need one of these.)
I had  thought of others, but my mom continually reminds me, "Lauren, you're a teacher and my daughter" which implies I should filter my thoughts sometimes. Therefore, I’m showing a little maturity and respect for the woman who allowed me to reside inside of her for 9 months....oooo, that was one of those times I should have used my filter, wasn’t it, mom?