Doing It Herself: A Trial of Inappropriateness

Around 7pm last night Steph decided to rip up the carpet in her lofted bedroom because she claimed it was “icky.” Before she started I sat her down and very clearly explained that this was HER project. This meant that I was not going to do any of it. I made her repeat it back to me so we were clear. Around 7:30pm I was helping her drag it out to the garage, and this triggered quite the Home Depot experience.

Whichever Bob you follow and believe in (Bob the Builder or Bob Villa) would have been proud of her prep work. She had made a sketch of the layout of her room including the measurements and square footage. Since she’s an English teacher I felt compelled to check her math. She informed me she needed 621 square feet of material, and proudly backed this claim by saying she multiplied the longest part of her room by the widest part. When I told her how to actually approach the problem and that the answer was closer to 221 square feet of material she simply replied “hmmm, yeah I’m not really a spatial learner.” That’s all the thanks I got for wowing her with the solution to a 4th grade math problem. The lack of appreciation was disappointing, but I’ve come to understand giving credit isn’t really my sister’s forte. As we parked she assured me she would be “doing this herself” and they “would not be screwing her with expensive junk.” She had her game face on. It would have been an appropriate time to throw her a butt slap of encouragement and hum “Eye of the Tiger” as we entered the store.

As we approached the flooring section she loudly and proudly announced “give it to me.” I can’t be sure the actual intent of that comment, but my innocent nature wants to believe she was trying to summon that award winning customer service Home Depot is known for. When our special helper, Andrew, walked into our lives my sister not only crossed lines, she left them in her dust. He asked how he could help, and she said “give me something that looks like wood.” Honestly, I couldn’t be easier. Really. I could not be an easier sale.” These are not the values Mama Hicks raised us with. I definitely remember being advised to show a little discretion when dealing with men. Stephanie on the other hand decided she wasn’t playing hard to get and instead decided to play hard to forget. After exploring all the options for flooring, and I mean ALL the options and her calling our orange vest friend a liar a couple times (in jest...I think) she settled on Allure tiling. At this point Andrew was invested and sat on the floor and showed us how to piece it together like a puzzle. (The kid literally went above and beyond. I told her she had to write a thank you note to him and leave it at Customer Service after what she had put him through.) For final confirmation and validation, Steph said, “So you’re telling me I can be up there (uncomfortable pause) by myself (another awkward pause) making things happen?” Maturity was not on my team at this point and since my mind had already found itself there I wandered away into the gutter aisle until I could pull myself together.

Steph left feeling pretty confident that she can lay the flooring in the loft by herself. How can I be sure of this? Well, she proudly called our dad on the way home and told him that our new friend Andrew “let me touch them and he let me hold them. By the end of it I was very familiar with them.” Talk about customer service. Not every employee will let you both touch them and hold them.