I Left With More Than A Massage...

Red=Direct Quote From The Massage Lady

One of my students gave me an end of the year gift card for an hour massage., which I cashed in yesterday. Due to road closures and no sense of direction I got lost and showed up 15 minutes late. After profusely apologizing the woman brought me back into our “special room” where she looked me right in the eye and said “let’s make this the best 45 minutes of your day.” What does this entail I wondered, and afterwards left me worried I hadn’t lived up to her expectations.

Stephanie: Only you would be too embarrassed to run when a stranger refers to a dark closet as a “special room”. But, I respect your willingness to find out what it “entailed” for fear lying vulnerable on a table in the dark might hold some magic that you might never have the chance to experience again. Foolish.

As she got familiar with my shoulders she knowingly questioned “Are you a right handed athlete?” Prouder than I’ve ever been I confirmed her accusations and said that she was straight out spooky. “Sure, I knew it because your right receptors are very taut.” It was from this moment on I had to fight the urge not to flex the muscle she was currently introducing herself to.

Stephanie: If you call a person spooky, and they respond positively, don’t introduce them to anything except a sharp slap from that right hand.

She was getting slightly chatty and I was so relaxed I could barely form sentences when I tried to subtly hint by saying “oooh I haven’t been this calm in forever.” After a case of the church giggles she cleared her throat and said “Welcome to relaxation, I’m your hostess.” Can I get a booth? Yes, I lowered myself and threw her a courtesy laugh, but the woman was wowing my muscles what should I have done?

Stephanie: Can I get a crisis team and a little self-awareness? The very definition of stranger danger.

As my hostess was concluding our tour through “relaxation town,” she asked “Do you feel dehydrated? Because this oil is loving your body. It’s just sucking it right up!” Her tip had gone steadily up until she challenged my water intake...that plateaued it pretty quickly....
Stephanie: Oh, of course. Your willingness to enter a special room where remarks on your apparently freakishly powerful right arm and sweet nothings about this magical land of relaxation could only serve to increase your appreciation. I hate when people have the gull to notice my moisturizing routine. It’s unimaginably inappropriate. I give up.